Dear Miriam,

As a full-time working wife of a farmer, I am just sick of the perceived role of women on the farm. My marriage is currently on the line because of farming. It comes first in our house, after kids and after me. I’m aware it’s a lifestyle choice. But why? We both work full-time earning a comfortable wage – yet my husband persists with it. His farm earnings are less than €10,000 per annum – less than minimum wage.

My husband and his family watch every penny and make judgement on other farmers who don’t make smart farm choices. Yet for people who watch every penny, they can’t see it’s not economically viable. I see it as nothing more than an expensive hobby. I generally am so tired that I have to pay someone to help me. It causes nothing but stress in our marriage.

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Why should my husband persist with such a lifestyle choice? I hate that it comes first in our house, I hate that it can potentially ruin a perfectly planned day. I hate that I’m excluded from any major decision such as machinery upgrades, leases or bank loans. I hate being judged by my husband’s family – yes he has to mind his own children and do the shopping. I’d love farm-free weekends. It’s a lonely life. At times I just want to run away. Should I look into getting help for us?

Frustrated Wife

Dear Frustrated Wife,

Thank you for your letter, which I’m sure will resonate with a lot of readers. I agree that the smart thing to do is to seek help because this is a ticking time bomb that could have major consequences for your family if you don’t both sit down and try to figure a way forward.

Farm life is demanding and for many it is a vocation. However, it should co-exist and compliment family life – not come before it – especially when your husband is earning a wage off-farm and not working night and day out of necessity. Because otherwise, what is being farmed, only anger and resentment?

However, it’s important that you both try to find a compromise. Demanding that he give up the farm completely will not work. However, it is perfectly reasonable that you should be involved in the major decisions, that domestic duties are shared and that priorities are reassessed when it comes to family life. But you need to work together.

That could include speaking with a farm adviser to explore ways of working “smarter” on the farm, but, more importantly, seeking the help of a marriage counsellor through an organisation like Relationships Ireland (www.relationshipsireland.com) or ACCORD (www.accord.ie) to discuss the essential disconnect that has taken place between you. You both have a lot going for you: a healthy family, two full-time jobs, a comfortable income etc, so the solution will be found in clear communication and a commitment to finding a healthy compromise.

So please do seek help before the situation deteriorates. But also remember that you are independent and strong and that if a solution cannot be found, you have other options. I wish you the best of luck.

A reader writes – Be thankful

Dear Miriam,

Having read your page every week, I feel I must comment on recent letters from parents who have gay children and express my feelings. I am the mother of five children, but my writing concerns my two eldest sons, one of whom is autistic and the second who was killed in an accident nearly 20 years ago.

What I would say to parents of gay children is how lucky they are to have their son or daughter and how grateful I would be to have either of my sons able to have a full life, to experience the love of another person and the joy of life. Be thankful for what you have and make the best of your lives. Live for this day and enjoy it, as no one knows what’s around the next corner. Life and time pass by very quickly. Thanks for reading this and all your sensible advice.

Northern Reader