Dear Miriam,

As I read last week’s problem (“I’m worried my boyfriend is a miser”), it reminded me of a problem we have.

As my father was unwell for many years, we became a constant companion for our mother. For the last 30 years we have brought our mother everywhere. She never contributes to petrol or any costs on days out, though she loves heading away as much as possible. Her health has deteriorated in the last 10 years and she has spent many long periods in hospital. We were always there by her side.

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She gave her life savings to our youngest brother when she began to get the pension so he could buy a house as he was having difficulty gaining employment. She gave another substantial amount when my sister was starting a small company. My older brother and myself have received nothing. She could be planning to leave us something in her will, but there’s no guarantee.

In the meantime, it’s worse she’s getting. She never puts her hand in her pocket, even to treat us to a cup of coffee, even though we’re always either bringing meals or cooking them there. We take care of the housework even though we have jobs and families to look after. She was always a good mother, frugal, but we were well looked after. Even when she owes money and she is asked for it, she makes an excuse. She would never let a cent of her own go astray.

I suppose I will grin and bear it as I have been doing. My brother is unaware that the others got money. Our youngest brother is now doing very well, living abroad and has no responsibility for looking after our parents. It’s just a pity that some parents don’t see how hurtful it is to be taken for granted or not be treated the same as our siblings. I hate feeling resentful. I even feel disloyal writing this letter. Am I being unreasonable?

Anne, Munster

Dear Anne,

Thank you for your letter and no, I don’t think that you are being unreasonable. But I also don’t think that this problem is really about money either. As you say, your mother raised you well, despite her frugal tendencies, and it’s only right that you are there for her now. After all, I’m sure there were many times that she felt taken for granted when you were all young – most mothers do.

However, I do understand how feelings of resentment can grow when you feel you are getting no thanks for your efforts, while other siblings seem to get away from any responsibility. The fact she has given sizeable sums of money to your brother and sister also complicates things. Little wonder you get upset when she doesn’t even buy you a coffee. It’s like the brother in the Prodigal Son story: when you have always been there for your parents, it’s hard to watch the fatted calf being slaughtered for somebody who hasn’t stepped up to the mark.

It’s a sensitive issue, but I think what would help is if all four siblings were playing their part in caring for your parents. Can you call a family meeting between your siblings and – leaving accusations of special treatment aside – come up with a care rota to take the pressure off you? For example, while your brother is living abroad, could he contribute financially towards a home help, getting dinners brought in, petrol etc? It’s not about the fact that he got your mother’s life savings – it’s about everybody playing their fair part.

I think that if you can take a step back by everybody getting involved (a) you will not feel so much pressure and (b) your mother might realise how much you really do for her and start to express her appreciation. If it is still a stretch to continue to cover her expenses on days out etc, you could explain gently that you are trying to support a family as well and that she needs to start covering some of her own costs, otherwise you can’t afford to take her out and about.

At the moment, I wouldn’t even mention the will or anything like that. As I said earlier, I don’t think this is about the money – it’s about feeling valued. I hope some of this advice helps and I wish you the best of luck.