Relationship issues are at the heart of most correspondence from both our male and female readers, ranging from lack of communication to intimacy. However, perhaps the most regular letter writers to the Dear Miriam column are women who feel unfulfilled or unhappy in their marriages, and share common denominators such as:
• The women are not financially independent.• They feel that their work is undervalued or unrecognised. • They feel they have nowhere they can go – and this is not helped by not being able to support themselves. • These women stayed at home with the children – meaning they left the workplace and often have no confidence in their own abilities outside the home.• They will often have cared or be caring for their own parents or in-laws.• There is a lack of communication in the home.• They may be subject to physical/psychological/emotional abuse.• Their husbands invest heavily in the farm to the detriment of spending on the family/family home.These women often express the view that they feel there is no hope for their relationships. But what options do they have? What changes can they make within their marriage or relationship to be happier? Or should they leave the marriage altogether?
It is clear that in some cases, those who write in feel trapped in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship. But how do you know if this is the kind of relationship you’re in, as opposed to an unhappy marriage where there is a severe lack of communication and ensuing awkwardness.
Mary Johnston, who is a counsellor with ACCORD (the Catholic Marriage Care Service), says that “where there is a lot of awkwardness between a couple, it is likely there is no fear or control in the relationship.
“A spouse in those circumstances should feel able to bring the issues that he/she is unhappy, or frustrated about the lack of attention from his/her spouse or partner and be heard.
“Such couples should be in a position to be able to listen to one another, talk things through and reach some kind of compromise that they would both be agreeable to. In an abusive relationship, more than likely, a spouse would be fearful of their partner in general and also fearful of raising any issues with them due to their reaction, and consequently may tend to endure the situation.”
Bernadette Ryan of Relationships Ireland says that mental or emotional abuse is defined by control or over-control.
“The person being controlled is rendered powerless. The partner controls their spending and their mind. There is also a lot of isolation of a woman from family and friends, for example. Their partner is constantly putting them down and questioning everything they say, to the point where a woman doesn’t know her own mind any more and may think she’s going crazy. Mentally/emotionally abusive relationships also involve lot of verbal abuse, for example: ‘Look at the state of you’, etc.
“With a lot of controlling types, they’ll come home with flowers, etc, one day and then there’s a honeymoon period, but it’s cyclical and each time it gets worse.
“When a couple come in together for counselling, we’d be watching out for control issues. He (the husband) can be very charming to everyone outside. It’s very difficult. If we establish there’s an insidious amount of control, we see both of them separately.
“If both acknowledge that behaviour needs to change, the woman must take responsibility for her safety and there must be a safety plan for if it gets too much.
“They must find support they trust. Where can they go, who can they call? They try and identify who is supportive, who can they stay with. If they’re subject to constant psychological abuse, then we need to build up her self-worth as self-worth is often eroded at that point.”
Bernadette makes the important point that although most abuse happens to women, there is female-to-male abuse as well. Particularly, for example, with a man who is a shy and retiring type, and who doesn’t have a group of friends.
Working in the home
Many of the women who write to Miriam work at home and Bernadette says that “regardless of rural or urban settings, in an unhappy marriage, as opposed to a controlled one, where the man earns the money and where the woman took on the traditional role this leads to loneliness and a sense of uselessness. There needs to be a shift in how we view women who stay at home.
“Farmers’ wives don’t have it easy, all the work they do in the running of the whole business is really more important than the monetary work itself. We have to stop people just valuing monetary work.
“When women come in to me and tell me they don’t work, I say: “You do work, just don’t get paid for it”. They have been contributing all along.”
In terms of another issue that crops up in letters, that of farmers investing heavily in the farm to the detriment of spending on the family, Mary Johnston says that across the board, and not just with farming couples, she sees a general issue of one person in the relationship having control of the money and making all the decisions about finances, while the other partner feels that their wishes and needs regarding money are not taken into consideration at all.
Communication
ACCORD’s statistics on an annual basis indicate that communication difficulties are the most frequently cited problems by couples when they come to ACCORD for counselling.
“Usually the quality of their communication has deteriorated over a period of time,” says Mary Johnston. “Communication is certainly key to any couple being able to listen to one another, understand each other’s experience in the marriage or relationship. If issues are not addressed, they are unlikely to improve or be solved.”
But when should people leave a marriage, if at all?
ACCORD encourages individuals and couples to seek help earlier rather than later, so that a couple may learn to listen to and understand one another, and make the changes/adjustments that need to be made.
Bernadette says people should consider leaving a marriage “if they are absolutely miserable. If there is no connection, if there’s no emotional connection or intimacy – that can be very lonely for women.
“Men don’t do so well without sexual intimacy. But – particularly when people have no money and nowhere to go – the answer isn’t always to leave.
“People can and do make choices to stay, and within that they can work at making it work for them. A wife married to a man who is distant and not connecting with her doesn’t have to leave the marriage if there’s other things in it for her. Go and get some support for that.
“Women lose themselves in their family or husbands. She needs to find out who she is again. She should go and take up some classes, or do something she enjoyed when she was younger, or go back to an interest or a passion she may have dropped. Joining groups is a great idea. It can be a great support for women.
“People stay because they can’t admit the marriage is over. They can’t let each other go, it’s fear. People do stay in marriages long after they need to call it a day.”
Free counselling with ACCORD
When individuals are in difficult marriages or relationships, ACCORD would encourage them to seek help as a couple or individually.
ACCORD does not charge a set fee for counselling sessions, but asks for a contribution to the cost of each session based on the couple’s current financial circumstances.
No one is ever prevented from accessing counselling with ACCORD due to a lack of money.
Legal rights – courtesy of Farmers Journal solicitor Aisling Meehan
“In the case of a married couple where there are children, the spouse with whom the children live will often be given the right to live in the family home until the youngest child reaches the age of 18 or 23.
“The court can make an exclusion order in relation to the spouse/civil partner who is leaving the family/shared home.
“An exclusion order reflects the recognition of the courts that it is not practical for separated couples/partners to occupy the same house, or for the spouses/civil partners who leave to retain a key and have free access to the house.
“A court can order that the house is sold and the proceeds divided equally, or in whatever shares it considers just. It can order that the sale be deferred for a specified period of time. It can order the transfer of the house into joint names, or into the sole name of one spouse/civil partner.”
Maintenance
“Maintenance can be awarded to a spouse for their own benefit and/or for the benefit of a child who is under the age of 18, or 23 if the child is in full-time education.”
The farm and family home
“It is not the case that a family farm will automatically have to be sold if a marriage breaks down, or indeed that a farm will have to be divided in half. In a recent Supreme Court case of G v G, the court ruled that the spouse was entitled to 25% of an inherited farm.
“The situation and the facts will be different in each case. The contribution of each party will be taken into account, including the financial and the personal contribution of each party within the marriage and family, particularly where there are children. The length of the relationship and marriage is also a factor, together with the ongoing financial prospects of each individual spouse.
“The overall principle that seems to be emerging from recent cases is that inherited assets will be excluded from the assets divided up on separation or divorce.
“However, if the family home is inherited this may not be excluded, contributions to the family home by the other party (such as investment in refurbishment) will be taken into account, as will the length of time since the inheritance took place.
“In the case of a house, once a married couple reside in a home it becomes a family home, whether it is in the name of one spouse or not, and cannot be sold without the consent of the other spouse.
“However, in the case of other assets such as a farm, if the farm is in the sole name of one of the spouses, he/she may sell/transfer that farm during his/her lifetime without the other spouse’s knowledge or consent.”
Relationship issues are at the heart of most correspondence from both our male and female readers, ranging from lack of communication to intimacy. However, perhaps the most regular letter writers to the Dear Miriam column are women who feel unfulfilled or unhappy in their marriages, and share common denominators such as:
• The women are not financially independent.• They feel that their work is undervalued or unrecognised. • They feel they have nowhere they can go – and this is not helped by not being able to support themselves. • These women stayed at home with the children – meaning they left the workplace and often have no confidence in their own abilities outside the home.• They will often have cared or be caring for their own parents or in-laws.• There is a lack of communication in the home.• They may be subject to physical/psychological/emotional abuse.• Their husbands invest heavily in the farm to the detriment of spending on the family/family home.These women often express the view that they feel there is no hope for their relationships. But what options do they have? What changes can they make within their marriage or relationship to be happier? Or should they leave the marriage altogether?
It is clear that in some cases, those who write in feel trapped in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship. But how do you know if this is the kind of relationship you’re in, as opposed to an unhappy marriage where there is a severe lack of communication and ensuing awkwardness.
Mary Johnston, who is a counsellor with ACCORD (the Catholic Marriage Care Service), says that “where there is a lot of awkwardness between a couple, it is likely there is no fear or control in the relationship.
“A spouse in those circumstances should feel able to bring the issues that he/she is unhappy, or frustrated about the lack of attention from his/her spouse or partner and be heard.
“Such couples should be in a position to be able to listen to one another, talk things through and reach some kind of compromise that they would both be agreeable to. In an abusive relationship, more than likely, a spouse would be fearful of their partner in general and also fearful of raising any issues with them due to their reaction, and consequently may tend to endure the situation.”
Bernadette Ryan of Relationships Ireland says that mental or emotional abuse is defined by control or over-control.
“The person being controlled is rendered powerless. The partner controls their spending and their mind. There is also a lot of isolation of a woman from family and friends, for example. Their partner is constantly putting them down and questioning everything they say, to the point where a woman doesn’t know her own mind any more and may think she’s going crazy. Mentally/emotionally abusive relationships also involve lot of verbal abuse, for example: ‘Look at the state of you’, etc.
“With a lot of controlling types, they’ll come home with flowers, etc, one day and then there’s a honeymoon period, but it’s cyclical and each time it gets worse.
“When a couple come in together for counselling, we’d be watching out for control issues. He (the husband) can be very charming to everyone outside. It’s very difficult. If we establish there’s an insidious amount of control, we see both of them separately.
“If both acknowledge that behaviour needs to change, the woman must take responsibility for her safety and there must be a safety plan for if it gets too much.
“They must find support they trust. Where can they go, who can they call? They try and identify who is supportive, who can they stay with. If they’re subject to constant psychological abuse, then we need to build up her self-worth as self-worth is often eroded at that point.”
Bernadette makes the important point that although most abuse happens to women, there is female-to-male abuse as well. Particularly, for example, with a man who is a shy and retiring type, and who doesn’t have a group of friends.
Working in the home
Many of the women who write to Miriam work at home and Bernadette says that “regardless of rural or urban settings, in an unhappy marriage, as opposed to a controlled one, where the man earns the money and where the woman took on the traditional role this leads to loneliness and a sense of uselessness. There needs to be a shift in how we view women who stay at home.
“Farmers’ wives don’t have it easy, all the work they do in the running of the whole business is really more important than the monetary work itself. We have to stop people just valuing monetary work.
“When women come in to me and tell me they don’t work, I say: “You do work, just don’t get paid for it”. They have been contributing all along.”
In terms of another issue that crops up in letters, that of farmers investing heavily in the farm to the detriment of spending on the family, Mary Johnston says that across the board, and not just with farming couples, she sees a general issue of one person in the relationship having control of the money and making all the decisions about finances, while the other partner feels that their wishes and needs regarding money are not taken into consideration at all.
Communication
ACCORD’s statistics on an annual basis indicate that communication difficulties are the most frequently cited problems by couples when they come to ACCORD for counselling.
“Usually the quality of their communication has deteriorated over a period of time,” says Mary Johnston. “Communication is certainly key to any couple being able to listen to one another, understand each other’s experience in the marriage or relationship. If issues are not addressed, they are unlikely to improve or be solved.”
But when should people leave a marriage, if at all?
ACCORD encourages individuals and couples to seek help earlier rather than later, so that a couple may learn to listen to and understand one another, and make the changes/adjustments that need to be made.
Bernadette says people should consider leaving a marriage “if they are absolutely miserable. If there is no connection, if there’s no emotional connection or intimacy – that can be very lonely for women.
“Men don’t do so well without sexual intimacy. But – particularly when people have no money and nowhere to go – the answer isn’t always to leave.
“People can and do make choices to stay, and within that they can work at making it work for them. A wife married to a man who is distant and not connecting with her doesn’t have to leave the marriage if there’s other things in it for her. Go and get some support for that.
“Women lose themselves in their family or husbands. She needs to find out who she is again. She should go and take up some classes, or do something she enjoyed when she was younger, or go back to an interest or a passion she may have dropped. Joining groups is a great idea. It can be a great support for women.
“People stay because they can’t admit the marriage is over. They can’t let each other go, it’s fear. People do stay in marriages long after they need to call it a day.”
Free counselling with ACCORD
When individuals are in difficult marriages or relationships, ACCORD would encourage them to seek help as a couple or individually.
ACCORD does not charge a set fee for counselling sessions, but asks for a contribution to the cost of each session based on the couple’s current financial circumstances.
No one is ever prevented from accessing counselling with ACCORD due to a lack of money.
Legal rights – courtesy of Farmers Journal solicitor Aisling Meehan
“In the case of a married couple where there are children, the spouse with whom the children live will often be given the right to live in the family home until the youngest child reaches the age of 18 or 23.
“The court can make an exclusion order in relation to the spouse/civil partner who is leaving the family/shared home.
“An exclusion order reflects the recognition of the courts that it is not practical for separated couples/partners to occupy the same house, or for the spouses/civil partners who leave to retain a key and have free access to the house.
“A court can order that the house is sold and the proceeds divided equally, or in whatever shares it considers just. It can order that the sale be deferred for a specified period of time. It can order the transfer of the house into joint names, or into the sole name of one spouse/civil partner.”
Maintenance
“Maintenance can be awarded to a spouse for their own benefit and/or for the benefit of a child who is under the age of 18, or 23 if the child is in full-time education.”
The farm and family home
“It is not the case that a family farm will automatically have to be sold if a marriage breaks down, or indeed that a farm will have to be divided in half. In a recent Supreme Court case of G v G, the court ruled that the spouse was entitled to 25% of an inherited farm.
“The situation and the facts will be different in each case. The contribution of each party will be taken into account, including the financial and the personal contribution of each party within the marriage and family, particularly where there are children. The length of the relationship and marriage is also a factor, together with the ongoing financial prospects of each individual spouse.
“The overall principle that seems to be emerging from recent cases is that inherited assets will be excluded from the assets divided up on separation or divorce.
“However, if the family home is inherited this may not be excluded, contributions to the family home by the other party (such as investment in refurbishment) will be taken into account, as will the length of time since the inheritance took place.
“In the case of a house, once a married couple reside in a home it becomes a family home, whether it is in the name of one spouse or not, and cannot be sold without the consent of the other spouse.
“However, in the case of other assets such as a farm, if the farm is in the sole name of one of the spouses, he/she may sell/transfer that farm during his/her lifetime without the other spouse’s knowledge or consent.”
SHARING OPTIONS