I catch my reflection in the window as I come in through the garage. A pink, woolly cap covers my hair. I see a pair of glasses hiding black circles under weary eyes. It’s a grief-stricken face and in a moment I realise that the world has been plunged into regret for times past and the life that was so safe and steady just a while ago.

I felt quite unsettled when the schools closed. My routine was skewed. I thought I’d have some extra time. The opposite is the case. Instead, the skin on my hands is shiny and dry from the scrubbing routine. I’m washing clothes, door handles, anything you could call a surface and then starting over, anything to beat back the virus.

Cartoon by Clyde Delaney.

Chatting to my sister, Bernadine, whose role has led her to be involved with the COVID-19 crisis; I suggested that I didn’t know where to help in the community. Her answer was sombre. “Kay, you are close to the high-risk age category and you need to stay at home. That is the best way that you can help! Keep your family safe.”

Pushing back the virus means we all have to work at it

It was the taste of reality that I probably needed. I forget that I’m 60. The threat of coronavirus spreading to the family has given me direction and eaten up any spare time that I have due to being home from school. Pushing back the virus means we all have to work at it.

I think it is fair to acknowledge how difficult the restrictions are on people. Tim’s aunt-in-law, Bridie died last week. This was a funeral that would have been huge for an exceptional lady. Instead, her husband Michael and their seven children and respective families had to take on the loss of Bridie without any support from the wider community.

It is not like me to be fearful or scared of challenges

Nieces and nephews stood by their cars in quiet tribute. Yet, Bridie would have been the first one to insist that people stay at home. May she rest in peace.

I have to be honest and admit that I’ve had a bad few days. It is not like me to be fearful or scared of challenges but right now I’m terrified of contracting COVID-19. This anxiety took hold following Leo Varadkar’s announcement of tighter controls.

I felt awful, vulnerable, over 60 and frightened of becoming a statistic. I found it very hard to cope, wondering if I might die. That sounds really selfish when I write it down. Nevertheless, these were the feelings that consumed me. I found that my friends felt the same way. There is a startling narrative around being a certain age or having an underlying condition. Thoughts of family members being taken from me send me into a trajectory of negativity. These thoughts are not helpful but are mighty hard to suppress.

I think it is serendipitous that Leo was a doctor in his former life. When Leo addresses us, he does it with confidence and knowledge

I’m not done living and for that reason I hang on every word uttered by our exceptional politicians, Leo Varadkar, Simon Harris and Simon Coveney. I think it is serendipitous that Leo was a doctor in his former life. When Leo addresses us, he does it with confidence and knowledge. Our politicians are doing everything humanly possible to reduce the effect of this virus on our people. Likewise, Paul Reid, HSE CEO; Dr Tony Holohan, chief medical officer; and others are quite amazing. I worry that one of those key players will get sick.

Chairs

As the COVID-19 illness spreads, we continue to learn. Something I picked up this week: you can’t catch the virus through your skin. Try to use your non-dominant hand to open doors as your dominant hand is more likely to pick up the virus and remember to wipe down the backs of chairs.

The big farm chats and strategising debates are gone

Philip, Colm and their fiancés, Aileen and Elaine, have decided that they will stay away from the house until this is over. I love their almost daily visits and miss them hugely. The big farm chats and strategising debates are gone.

Meanwhile, our co-op Dairygold is doing trojan work implementing social distancing while continuing to supply farmers through order-and-collect arrangements. It is much appreciated. We are all learning to be lonely together while staying apart. Stay safe and stay away.