Dear Miriam,

I am a mother of three, married to a farmer, and living close to my husband’s home-place. Over the years, his siblings and their families have always come home for Christmas to celebrate together in his parents’ house, with everybody chipping in to help.

Two years ago, however, my father-in-law passed away, so, because we didn’t want to break entirely with tradition, we decided to host festivities in our home last Christmas. Of course, this meant that I ended up taking care of a lot of the preparations, but I was happy to rise to the occasion for the sake of my mother-in-law. However, when it came to the day itself, my husband’s family seemed to treat our house like a hotel, with me as the cook/cleaner/waitress/skivvy. Apart from some half-hearted offers to help with the washing-up, they did very little to help me, or contribute to the cost of the day, and I was exhausted by the time they left.

They are due to come to me again this Christmas. But, to be perfectly honest, after last year’s performance, I’d rather they didn’t. However, I know it would break my mother-in-law’s heart not to have everybody around her, so I can’t cry off at this stage.

At the end of the day, I have to remember that they are our guests, so I can’t exactly start kicking up or ordering them about in the kitchen. But I am really not looking forward to having to take on all the work. Do you think I should say something so that they pull their weight this year? I don’t want to cause a big fuss, but I don’t want to be a martyr either.

Stressed Out, Munster

Dear Stressed Out,

While you should be commended for taking on the Christmas hosting duties, that certainly doesn’t mean you should allow everyone to take advantage of you. Yes, your in-laws are your guests, but they are also family and there’s no reason why they should not pull their weight, especially as you are doing your best to continue tradition for the sake of their mother.

But I think it’s possible to take a lot of work and stress off yourself, without making a big deal of things. For example, why don’t you divvy out the starter and dessert responsibilities among your in-laws? These jobs are easily shared out, as many recipes can be prepared in advance and just brought along on the day to be served cold, or heated up quickly.

If you are nervous about asking one of your in-laws out straight, take the flattery approach, eg: “Mary, you always make the best trifle. Could I ask you to take care of that this Christmas? It would free me up to look after the turkey and I know your mother would really enjoy it.”

Just be sure to make those phone calls sooner rather than later, so that you can cross those jobs off your list.

With regards setting the table, cleaning up and the rest, no doubt there will be a gaggle of kids that can be called upon, or you could ask your husband to take charge. An off-hand comment like: “Well, I’m fit to do nothing except sit by the fire. Any volunteers for clean-up?” would drop the hint too.

The main thing is not to be afraid to ask for help – otherwise you will just feel like you are being taken for granted and you won’t get the chance to enjoy Christmas at all. So speak up now.

Midwife Strife

The Dear Miriam column recently received correspondence from a woman who discovered she is pregnant but is anxious about having to encounter a midwife in her area due to difficulties between them in the past, including bullying. We recommend that she discusses this issue with her GP, which can be done in complete confidence, to find a solution to put her at ease and make sure that she feels comfortable and happy as she and her husband look forward to welcoming their new arrival. CL