Dear Miriam,

I recently had my second baby and all is well, thank God. That said, myself and my husband are at loggerheads over the choice of godparents, and we need to make a decision soon so that we can book the christening.

Just to give a bit of background, when our first baby was born, I asked my only sister to be godmother, while my husband asked one of his brothers to be godfather. I get on very well with his brothers, so there was no issue there at all.

This time, my husband thinks that we should ask his sister, so that she does not feel excluded. She is not married and has no children of her own. He thinks that it would mean a lot to her and also, that it’s simply what is expected in this situation.

However, she and I are very different people, with little in common. We are polite to each other, but that’s about it. The thought of bowing to societal expectation sort of irks me. I would much rather ask one of my close female friends, and have my husband ask one of his other brothers to be godfather. That way, his family would still have a role to play.

I’ve suggested this, but my husband maintains that this would look like a complete snub of his sister. I would argue that it’s not about her, but about what’s best for our baby.

He thinks that I’m being unreasonable. I think I’m just being honest. What do you think?

Jennifer, Leinster

Dear Jennifer,

Thank you for your email. First of all, congratulations on your new arrival. I’m glad to hear that all is well and I hope that you are enjoying this special time. That’s what really matters, at the end of the day.

In a lot of circumstances where there are certain societal expectations – for instance, whether or not to invite an infinite number of cousins or neighbours to a wedding – I often tell people to follow their hearts. In this situation, however, I feel that there is a little more at stake than upsetting “Mary down the road” by leaving her off the guest list.

If you have valid concerns as to why your sister-in-law is genuinely not suitable, it’s important to talk this out honestly with your husband

You state that you have little in common with your sister-in-law; but it is not clear to me why this makes her an unsuitable candidate to be godmother? You don’t speak ill of her character or anything of the sort, and she is the baby’s only other auntie.

You also say that it’s not about her, but about what’s best for the baby: but I am struggling to see how it could be all that wrong for the baby. So, is this actually about what you feel is best for you?

I don’t mean to sound unkind. I can understand completely why you would like to ask a close friend, and maybe there has been a lot left unsaid in this letter.

If you have valid concerns as to why your sister-in-law is genuinely not suitable, it’s important to talk this out honestly with your husband. But if it really is just a case that you’re not especially close, I would probably side with his argument. He is also a parent and his views are just as valid; and I suspect that the fallout would be much harder on him if his sister was not asked. Consider how you would feel if it was the other way round. Compromise is key.

Saying that, your friend can still play an important part in your baby’s life. We can all make as much or as little of these roles as we wish. But perhaps your sister-in-law might surprise you too?

Readers might be interested in sharing their thoughts on this; but in the meantime, I wish you luck as you negotiate the situation and I hope that whatever you both decide, that you have a very special celebration for your latest arrival.

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