Dear Miriam, I am desperate for advice and I have no one to talk to. I hope you can help me. I feel so out of touch with my wife. I think we should not be sharing a bed anymore as our bodies do not even touch. She wants no affection: no cuddling, no kissing, no touching and no sex.

We do get on ok. She is a great worker and a lovely looking woman with a great figure –and I tell her that nearly every day but she just laughs at me. I feel very frustrated lying beside her every night. If I try anything, she turns me down, so I just don’t bother her.

We have a great farm and a fine house, new car, great family. I do think a lot about suicide but I can’t say anything to her about that as she would only laugh at me. I did go to counselling, but it was not much good as she would not go. I think I should leave her and try someone else and we could be nice and kind to each other as life is short – we should make the most of it.

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Cork Reader?

Dear Cork Reader,

Thank you for getting in touch. Due to the nature of your query, I’ve consulted with sex and relationship therapist, Eithne Bacuzzi. On the surface, your marriage seems to function, eg you mention you get on well enough, have a great family, nice home etc, but Eithne notes that it is clear from your letter that you feel lonely and isolated.

A physical disconnect can happen very slowly in a relationship, with the pressures of family, farming etc and, indeed, it is a lot more common than you think. However, it is possible to reconnect but it can take time as you work at re-establishing an emotional connection as well as a sexual one.

Obviously, your letter focuses on the physical relationship with your wife or, rather, the lack thereof, and how unhappy this makes you. While the sexual connection is important, it is only one part of what makes a loving relationship and cannot thrive without kindness, friendship, communication and respect. Intimacy begins at breakfast – not in the bedroom – so perhaps it’s time to look a little deeper into what has led to this distance between you.

There certainly seems to be a “block”, which is stopping you both discussing how you really feel. You mention that you compliment your wife’s figure and work ethic, but does that really communicate how much you really love, respect and admire her? Meanwhile, she “laughs off” your compliments, but what does that laughter cover up? Neither one of you appears to be comfortable talking honestly about what has gone wrong and what needs to change, and that really is the crux of the matter.

From your point of view, that does not mean looking for a way out in terms of pursuing another relationship, but looking inwards. It means telling your wife how unhappy you feel that you have grown apart and how seriously it is affecting you, but also asking how she really feels about the situation, where she feels things have changed and what she needs from you in order to get things back on track. That includes not only the physical side of your relationship, but also how you show your love and care for her in other ways, like making her that cup of tea when she is tired, surprising her with lunch out, going for a nice walk or drive together. It is little things that do not lead straight to the bedroom but rather re-establish that emotional bond between you.

Of course, these discussions do not always come easily or naturally, so Eithne would recommend sex or relationship counselling to help you on your journey. Even if your wife is still unwilling to attend, she feels you would still benefit from attending alone to discuss your feelings, as it really seems to be having a serious impact on you, and try and find a way forward with support and guidance. If you need to find a professional counsellor in your area, you can contact the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy on 01-230-3536 or visit www.iacp.ie

Ultimately, however, this comes down to communication of what you both want from the relationship and whether there is a real will and want on both sides to make the necessary changes to make it work again. I wish you both the best of luck.

Eithne Bacuzzi offers professional sex therapy in the Dublin area. To make an appointment, email eithnebacuzzi@hotmail.com