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Before marrying into a farming family, there were things of which I was aware, and things – as it turns out – I wasn’t.
I knew that there would be muck. I knew that, on certain days during slurry-spreading season, I shouldn’t hang out the washing. I figured there would be difficult times when my husband wouldn’t be available. I knew that farming is a year-round job and you can’t “just” take a holiday. Having grown up on a beef farm, I thought I was well prepared. But there’s so much more to marrying into a farming family than I ever imagined.
I didn’t marry my husband because he’s a farmer and will inherit the farm
The idea of succession is treated as the gift it is. My husband has had to earn the right to inherit the farm, and as his wife I’ve had to prove myself time and time again to my in-laws. I’ve had to prove that I’ll pitch in with the hard work; the cooking during silage and calving time and the many other times of year that require a team effort.
I’ve had to prove that I’m not in it for the land. I didn’t marry my husband because he’s a farmer and will inherit the farm. In fact, our lives would have been much easier, in many ways, if we didn’t farm. My husband and I have stayed, and have chosen to raise our children there, to ensure my in-laws are not left alone in their older age. It has had a few benefits, but it’s also come with a sizeable amount of surplus work.
When I was young, I lived in a house that we ended up selling. We had many happy memories in that house
Possibly the biggest thing I’ve had to come to terms with is that my home is not considered to be “mine” by hardly anyone other than my husband and myself. Living on the farm, in the home place, has meant, to many of our extended family, that I am simply a tenant. I can’t say “my farm” or “my house” without eyes rolling and the assumption that I’m trying to takeover.
When I was young, I lived in a house that we ended up selling. We had many happy memories in that house. My grandparents lived there and raised their family in it before handing it down to my father. Behind the house, there were vast fields to graze our cattle that ran all the way to a large river. My uncle and his family lived next door and I spent my days outdoors playing with my cousins.
Why is it OK for extended in-laws to have so many opinions on the farm, and the house, where I currently live and they do not?
When we sold that house, we built a new one and stayed there. We didn’t feel like we owned the old house anymore, even though it had been in the family for generations. We didn’t go back and comment on how the new owners had decorated, or on what they changed, or how it used to be so much tidier and more comfortable.
Why is it OK for extended in-laws to have so many opinions on the farm, and the house, where I currently live and they do not? These people have their own houses, jobs and children. I have mine. Just because I didn’t grow up on the farm doesn’t mean it’s not currently and forever-more my home.
If I want to change the house, renovate, have pets inside or start a garden in a new spot, it all goes under review; spoken about in secret meetings with other family members and critiqued – sometimes directly to me – afterwards. I hear all the time “how lovely” the house was “when Mammy was alive”. These comments are neither kind nor well-meaning; they hurt.
In the end, my husband and I will be making decisions about our home and, eventually, the farm that will be best for us and our children
You must think, having read this, that I have a terrible relationship with my in-laws, but that’s not true. In fact, I have a very friendly and close relationship with them. Maybe that’s part of the problem, that they feel too comfortable offering their opinions.
In the end, my husband and I will be making decisions about our home and, eventually, the farm that will be best for us and our children. Possibly, they will be the wrong decisions for everyone else in the family.
If you are in a similar situation right now, I feel your pain. If you think you might be one of those in-laws who feels the family farm is not the daughter-in-law’s home, that she doesn’t have the right to change things and that she has flung the farm and family home into an absolute mess – now is the time to check yourself.
Do you live there? Do you work there? Are you, in anyway, involved with the day-to-day upkeep? If the decisions don’t affect you directly; you are not entitled to an opinion and, as my mammy always said: “If you don’t have something nice to say; don’t say anything at all.”
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