Dear Miriam,

Please tell me how to manage my bully of a husband. I don’t want to leave – the farm was left to me by my mother and I do most of the work. We have one daughter.

My husband is known as a very helpful man to his neighbours but does little at home. He will drop everything to help anyone but me. He’s very abusive (verbally) to me and makes little of me in front of anyone. I don’t love or even like him anymore. He sulks or walks when I challenge him or stand up for myself.

Help,

Regular Reader

Dear Regular Reader,

Thank you for your letter. Due to the issues you raise, I have spoken with Claire Forde, a psychotherapist and counsellor in private practice in Co Clare and in Limerick with MyMind, which provides fast and affordable access to counselling face-to-face and online. MyMind has centres in Dublin, Cork and Limerick as well as offering online counselling.

Claire says: “First of all, I just want to say that I am sorry to learn about the unhappy and difficult state of your marriage.

“Bullying has been described as ‘the ongoing abuse of another person through physical or mental means’. It is important for you to realise that bullying is not ‘okay’. Nobody deserves to be treated like this. From your letter, it would seem that your husband is using you as an emotional punch bag. When bullying goes on over a long period of time, it can affect our health in the following manner: depression, stress and anxiety, isolation, social anxiety, low self-esteem, fears for safety, poor sleeping pattern. This situation cannot continue –therefore self-care is important.

“Know that you have done nothing wrong. His behaviour is about him and not about you. You are entitled to live your life in peace and harmony, feeling safe and secure.

“How safe do you feel in your own home? How is your daughter coping while all this is going on around her? Her health and safety and emotional needs have to be taken into consideration as well. Unless the situation changes, your husband will continue with this pattern of behaviour.

“As in any difficult situation in life, it is important to have a good support structure in place to help one cope. I imagine it is difficult for you to talk about your situation to friends or family because of the ‘street angel’ image he portrays. At this stage, I believe it is in your best interests to seek professional help. This situation cannot be allowed continue as the long-term effects may be detrimental for both you and your daughter.

“Working with a counsellor will help to build your self-esteem and confidence and courage to start making positive changes. A counsellor will also be able to support you towards greater self-care; for example, taking even half an hour each day to do something for yourself, like going for a walk or meeting a friend for coffee or starting a class in something like yoga or meditation. It’s clear that you work very hard on your farm but it is important to look after yourself too.

“It also seems that the marriage might in fact be over as you state that you do not love or even like him anymore and the situation with your farm is, perhaps, what is keeping you in the marriage at this stage. Again, I believe it is in your interests to speak to a solicitor and seek advice regarding the legal implications were the marriage to end.

“Finally, it may help you to know that both adult and child bullies behave the way they do for the same reason. They are trying to make up for their own perceived inadequacies or shortcomings and pick on somebody they believe to be weaker than themselves. They cover up their feelings of low self-esteem by putting others down. I believe it would benefit your husband were he to seek professional help, but he has to want to go there, it is his call. Meanwhile, it is important that you look after yourself and your daughter.

“MyMind offer both one-to-one counselling, family therapy, and couples counselling. Find out more on www.mymind.org or call 076-680 1060.

“Other organisations which may be of benefit to you are your local Citizens Advice Bureau, Aware (1800-80-48-48) and the Samaritans (116-123). You are not alone in your situation. There is help available. I wish you well and hope that everything works out for you.”

Claire Forde can be contacted at MyMind Limerick or on 087-939-9818. CL