Dear Miriam,

I have been going out with my boyfriend for three years. I will turn 30 this year, and he will be 32. We are very happy together and have loads in common. From early on, I could see us sharing a future together with marriage and kids, though I did not want to scare him off by telling him all of that too soon!

Before Christmas, however, a few friends and family members were dropping hints to me about whether we might have some “news” this Christmas, joking that everybody could do with a “big day” out.

I suppose I got ahead of myself really

Quietly, I started to think that maybe my boyfriend would propose this Christmas and that we might start to plan the next part of our lives together.

I suppose I got ahead of myself really, as Christmas came and went with no sign of a ring and even though I should have been perfectly happy with the lovely gift that my boyfriend did give me, I could not help but feel disappointed.

It is not that he is a commitment-phobe or anything, but he has never really brought up long-term plans

I know that I am only 29 and there is no big rush up the aisle, but at the same time, I think I am ready to move on to the next chapter and would have hoped that he would feel the same by now.

It is not that he is a commitment-phobe or anything, but he has never really brought up long-term plans. He just seems to be happy out with how things are.

I never really thought that I would be the first one to bring up the marriage question; but I feel that I need to find out if we really do have the same future in mind. What do you think I should do? I don’t want to come across as needy or desperate.

Disappointed, Munster

Dear Disappointed,

Thank you for your email. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are a good match, and I think after three years together, it is only natural that your thoughts would turn to the future. Though I wonder if you would have been as disappointed this Christmas if friends and family had not planted the seed that he might pop the question, putting extra pressure on proceedings?

It seems obvious and sensible to me that it should be a two-way conversation

Either way, it is now something that is on your mind. I don’t think there is anything “needy” or “desperate” about wanting to discuss the future. Marriage, buying a home and starting a family – in whatever order you choose – are amongst the biggest life decisions we will ever make.

It seems obvious and sensible to me that it should be a two-way conversation, rather than waiting on one person (the male, traditionally) to “pop the question” to set things in motion.

I think turning 30 for most people is a “take stock” event

Perhaps the best way to approach it, however, is not to focus on the past (in this case, the lack of a ring over Christmas) but to start a conversation about the future. I think turning 30 for most people is a “take stock” event and it is only natural that you might want to look at what the next decade will bring. I would be honest with your boyfriend and say that you are very happy and see your future together in terms of marriage, family etc, and that you would hope to start making more concrete plans towards these things. How does he feel? What future does he envision?

My hope is that you will find that you are essentially on the same page in terms of what you both want and that it is just a matter of agreeing timing after that. If not, however, you will have to ask yourself what you really want for your future and whether this relationship can fulfil it.

While I don’t feel that this is really the case from the way you talk about the relationship, it is something you have to be prepared for at the same time; and ultimately, it is better to have that conversation sooner rather than later.

I wish you both the very best of luck and hope that 2022 will be a very good year for you both.