Dear Miriam,

I am writing to you for advice as I am in bits over my youngest daughter. I reared six girls and they all turned out to be wonderful girls with respect, good jobs and they all got married decently. I was so proud of them.

My youngest girl is in her mid-20s and, until last year, was doing a steady line with a wonderful boy who had everything going for him, but she turned around and said she didn’t love him. It broke the family’s heart, but we had to accept it and carry on with our lives.

ADVERTISEMENT

She then started dating this lad who is at least 10 years older than her. She brought him home to meet us and he seems okay. After Christmas she informed us that he was a married man with a son and a daughter who were both under 10, and he also didn’t have a lot going for himself. She said his marriage broke up, but that it wasn’t his fault.

My husband is in bad health and it broke his heart. As for myself, I cry myself to sleep each night as I loved her to bits. She was everything to me and she meant the world to me. I just can’t accept it.

I am not in touch with her as I couldn’t even talk to her. It is like I lost my daughter that I reared decently and to respect herself and others. She texted me one day and said: “Mam, I am going to marry this man.” Maybe she wanted to hurt me more, you know yourself – the youngest, she was really my baby, so special to me.

Right now I am in tears writing this letter to you, but I really need some advice from you.

Heartbroken Mother, Munster

*Some details changed to preserve anonymity

Dear Heartbroken Mother,

Thank you for your letter. First of all, I’d like to say that I do understand your distress as you have obviously tried to raise your children with traditional values that you and your husband hold dear.

Also, I can appreciate your genuine concerns about your “baby’s” involvement with not just an older man, but an older man with an ex-partner and children, and all the sensitivities that accompany that.

However, I would seriously urge you to untangle your feelings about this new boyfriend from what is more important –your own relationship with your daughter.

You say in your letter that you “loved her to bits”, “she was everything to me” and that “she meant the world to me”. But why the past tense?

At the end of the day, no matter what, she is still your daughter. I’m afraid that not speaking to her will only drive a further wedge between you, which may not be so easy to repair in the future, even if this relationship comes to nothing.

I know that you love your daughter and only want the best for her, but just because this man was married before and it didn’t work out does not mean that he is not a good person.

However, I can almost guarantee that by refusing to give him any chance at all, you will only drive them closer together, as that text message about marriage might have hinted.

At the end of the day, our children will make their own choices in life and we just have to accept and trust that we have raised them to the best of our ability.

I really think that counselling might help to rebuild your relationship with your daughter again, especially if this man is going to be part of her life. Check your local family resource centre for an appropriate service, so you can share your concerns in a confidential and non-judgmental space.

I think it is important that you reach out and remind your daughter that you do love her, whether she marries this guy or whether the whole thing is off next week.

Life is so short, don’t lose sight of what really matters. I wish you the best of luck. CL