Dear Miriam,

I recently found out that I am expecting a baby and, of course, myself and my husband are over the moon. We have not been trying all that long, so we know that we are very lucky that it seemed to have happened easily for us.

We won’t be announcing our news for a few weeks yet, but there is one person I’m really anxious about telling – my best friend. She and her husband have been trying for a baby since they got married about five years ago, but sadly they have had no joy yet. They are now looking at going down the road of IVF. So many nights she has ended up crying on my shoulder as yet another friend announced a “surprise” pregnancy on Facebook. I can only imagine how hard it must be when everybody in your circle seems to be pregnant – or on their second or third baby – and nothing is happening for you.

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That’s probably why I never even mentioned to her that myself and my husband were hoping to start our own family. Maybe I thought it would take longer to conceive and that she might have some news before me, but I almost feel like I’ve gone behind her back, as silly as that might sound.

The situation is actually causing me a lot of stress even thinking about it. My husband says I shouldn’t be worrying as it’s not good for me or the baby, but that’s easier said than done. Obviously, I can’t keep it from her forever, but how can I break the news to her when I know that it will break her heart?

Mother-to-be, Munster

Dear Mother-to-be,

First of all, congratulations to you and your husband on your lovely news. This is such a special time for you both, and it’s important that you enjoy it. But the fact that your thoughts are with your friend shows just how caring and considerate you are, and how lucky she is to have somebody like you in her life. The thing is, however, we cannot put our own lives on “pause” for the sake of those around us – and nor should they expect us to.

At the end of the day, the fact that you are now pregnant will not change your friend’s situation at all. You should not be beating yourself up over the fact that you did not tell her that you were trying for a baby, or that, thankfully, it has happened for you. That will not serve anybody. All you can do is love and support her as you have done all the way along – and take care of yourself at the same time.

Of course, I understand that the thought of breaking this news to her is a little daunting. But we can often over think or overestimate how somebody might react; especially when we have maybe too much time to mull over it ourselves. I think that once you let her know in a very sensitive way, you have nothing to worry about.

Maybe once you have told your very close family members, but before you make the announcement to your wider circle of friends, arrange to meet up with her in private in maybe your home or her’s for a cup of coffee. When it comes to telling her, you could say something along the lines of: “We have had a bit of good news.” And explain gently that you are expecting. I don’t think you need to add in that you feel bad that you didn’t tell her, or that you were worried about her reaction, but you could say that you know that she is on her own journey and that you will still be there for her, no matter what.

I can’t guess what your friend’s reaction might be initially, but if she is a little bit upset, remember that it is not a reflection on you, but on her own situation. She might just need a few days to process the news, and you can always send her a text just to say you are thinking of her.

But I’m sure that if you are good friends, she will be happy for you and genuinely wish you the very best. I hope everything goes well as you look forward to this exciting new chapter in your lives.

Lonely Leinster Lady

For the attention of “Lonely Leinster Lady”, whose letter was published on 30 January: we have received some correspondence from other readers in relation to your query. If you wish to receive these letters, get in touch with the Dear Miriam column with your contact details, in confidence, and we can pass these on to you. CL