Dear Miriam,

I was wondering could you give me advice on my mother-in-law. First of all, I don’t come from a farming background. My husband had already put all his savings into the farm when I met him. According to him, his mother asked him to look after the farm; according to her, my husband wanted to get out of his job and do farming. This was all arranged before I met him.

I walked into this marriage with rose-tinted glasses, thinking the more I do on the farm and the more I help, then the more they would help us with the next generation. I knew it was going to be tough, I just never knew it was going to be this hard.

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I learned to milk cows, feed calves etc. I saw the rest of his siblings get on with their lives. So, after years of my husband putting all his money into the farm, we finally got our own place. All his mother could say was: “What would the neighbours think?” It got that bad before we moved out that I dreaded coming down the road. She would say: “Oh God, not you again.” I asked loads of times: “What’s wrong?” only to be told it’s all in my head.

We finally got married and not as much as one cent was given towards the wedding. That’s fine, but to be told I came into the marriage with my hands hanging down was wrong. I love my husband so much, but all of this puts pressure on our marriage.

When we had our child, they never came near us to see the baby. When we came out of hospital, we went to show his parents, but there was no fuss, nothing. They are so good with the other grandchildren, but mine is “too fat and hard work”.

I have tried over and over again to find out what’s wrong, but all I see is that she told my husband that he got the cows and no one else got anything, so therefore they are helping everyone else and we are not to be greedy or jealous. I have begged my husband to hand the farm back, but the way he looks at it is that he put all his money into it.

I moved to be with my husband and I hardly know anybody. I just don’t know what else to do.

Lonely Farmer’s Wife

Dear Lonely Farmer’s Wife,

Thank you for your letter. I can understand why this situation is so difficult to come to terms with, especially when you moved away from your own family to start a new life with your husband on the farm.

I don’t know what went wrong, but do you know what? The best thing you can do right now is to look after yourself, your husband and your baby, and stop worrying about seeking the approval of people who – from your letter at least – seem impossible to please.

You have been through a lot – moving counties, getting married, learning farm life, having a baby – without even taking into account your in-laws, and I think it would be a really good idea to speak to a counsellor about the toll that this has taken on you. If there is a local family/women’s resource centre, they should point you in the right direction, alternatively you can log on to www.iacp.ie

I think it’s also really important to make connections outside of your husband’s family. Is there a local mother and toddler group that you could attend, even one morning a week? Many new mums also find online forums such as www.eumom.ie helpful, but I think joining a group in your area would be a great way to meet some new friends and ease the isolation you are feeling.

You and your husband should also look at making quality time for each other. Maybe that could involve visiting a counsellor to get help managing this whole situation with the in-laws; or maybe it’s budgeting for a babysitter, even one evening a month. While the situation with his family is far from ideal, remember that you love each other and that you have a lovely baby and home together, and you both need to cherish and protect that.

It’s also important that you keep in touch with your own family and friends and don’t carry this burden alone.

At the end of the day, you cannot change other people’s behaviour, but you can choose how you react to it. I wish you well.