Dear Miriam,

I got married at the start of the year. It was a wonderful day that we had saved and planned long and hard for. There was only one fly in the ointment, however, and that was my sister-in-law, who decided to use our special day to publicly announce her own engagement.

She is the only girl in my husband’s family and has always been spoil rotten, used to getting her own way etc. I’m the first woman to “marry in” to the family, so I’m not sure that she was ever going to be too enamoured with having another female on the scene, though I have always tried my best to get on with her, eg I asked her to read the reflection at the wedding mass so that she would feel involved.

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Obviously, that wasn’t good enough for her, though, as she felt the need to hijack the day by announcing her own “surprise” engagement.

At the time I was so overwhelmed with everything that was going on that I did not take it in properly, but having returned from honeymoon and had time to dwell on it, I really think it was selfish and designed solely to steal attention from me. After all, she could have easily announced the engagement over Christmas or waited until Valentine’s Day.

I’ve spoken to friends and they agree that it was completely inappropriate. On top of that, since we came back from honeymoon, there has been no mention of our wedding as my sister-in-law is dominating everything with her plans. It is actually insufferable. I’m starting to feel now that no matter what I will do in my life, she will always have to get “one up” on me just to show who is top dog at home.

I know there is nothing that can be done about the wedding day now, but I feel I should just say something to her so that she knows that what she did was not on. What do you think?

Newly-wed

Dear Newly-wed,

Thank you for your letter. I do understand your frustration, and it certainly seems like a strange decision on your sister-in-law’s part to announce her engagement on your wedding day. You could, of course, give her the benefit of the doubt and propose that she just got carried away with the celebrations, but even if it was a more calculated decision to steal a bit of thunder, what does it really matter at this stage?

You and your husband had a wonderful day regardless, and even if your sister-in-law set out to upstage you, I doubt she succeeded. Confronting her will only give her more of what she wants – attention – and I wonder is it worth giving her that satisfaction? I suspect not.

To be honest, you would almost feel sorry for somebody whose confidence in themselves is obviously so low that they feel threatened by the arrival of another female on the scene.

While your sister-in-law might appear to rule the roost, you can keep the upper hand by simply refusing to take part in these silly power games. So keep your head high, let it go and live your life on your terms, not her’s. And if she feels the need to ape or upstage you, well, that’s an unfortunate reflection on where she is in her own life.

Indeed, you could even practise that tried and tested adage of “to kill her with kindness” and show a bit of interest in her wedding plans, as the less ammunition you give her, the less she has to throw back. And if she does not feel threatened by you, she might relax a bit more – or at least go back to just being self-obsessed.

But your priority right now is to build the life you want with your husband and not worry about somebody else’s. I wish you the best of luck.