Dear Miriam,
Please help me. I never thought I would have to write to you, but I have no one else to get advice from. I am 66-years-old and my wife is 56. The intimacy is gone out of our marriage for the last couple of years. She thinks everything is fine and refuses to talk about our problem. We do go for the odd weekend away, but nothing happens – the flowers and chocolates, she wouldn’t let on to see them. When this started first I was suicidal, but I am over that now. She is a great worker and a lovely looking woman with a lovely figure.
I said we should go for counselling, but she would not go. I am so fed up with what is not happening and I wonder should I try to meet some other woman and move on, as life is so short and we only get one life. Or maybe I should put up with what I have and get on with it?
Cork Reader
Dear Cork Reader,
Thank you for your letter, which I’m sure was not easy to write, so credit to you for taking the first step towards seeking help. Because of the nature of your query, however, I have consulted with Eithne Bacuzzi, who is an experienced psychosexual therapist and relationships counsellor.
Having looked at your letter, Eithne believes that the key to the issue here is communication. From your point of view, this means that you need to convey to your wife in a clear, open and honest way how this situation is making you unhappy. However, it also means that instead of trying to take a shortcut to restoring the romance with flowers and chocolates, you need to find out how your wife really feels about the relationship.
Intimacy actually starts outside the bedroom and is as much to do with emotional connection and affection as the sexual relationship. Perhaps both of you need to put time and effort into reconnecting on that level? For example, while you write about your wife’s work ethic and lovely figure, have you told her how much you admire her? Do you show her how much you love and care for her, even though the sexual side of the marriage is dormant? Sometimes we take these things for granted.
It’s also important to try and find out when and why she stopped enjoying the physical part of the marriage. Simply put, what has changed in the last few years? And just as importantly, what might she need and want from you in order to reignite it? Or has she made the decision that the sexual chapter of her life is over and if so, where do you both go from there?
Talking to a sex therapist or a relationships counsellor would be of great benefit to both of you in this regard, but if your wife is not willing to attend, Eithne believes it would still be good for you to go by yourself and work out your feelings in a confidential and non-judgemental environment.
The most important thing is that the situation is not allowed to drift any further without trying to get to the root of the problem. However, you must remember that a relationship involves two people and you can’t just lay the blame (for want of a better word) for the sexual stagnancy on your wife’s shoulders. It takes two, in every sense. I hope that this advice is helpful and that you will find a way for both of you to be happy and fulfilled within the relationship.
• With thanks to Eithne Bacuzzi, a Leinster-based psychosexual therapist and relationships counsellor. To arrange an appointment, please call 087-902-9606 or email eithnebacuzzi@hotmail.com CL
Dear Miriam,
Please help me. I never thought I would have to write to you, but I have no one else to get advice from. I am 66-years-old and my wife is 56. The intimacy is gone out of our marriage for the last couple of years. She thinks everything is fine and refuses to talk about our problem. We do go for the odd weekend away, but nothing happens – the flowers and chocolates, she wouldn’t let on to see them. When this started first I was suicidal, but I am over that now. She is a great worker and a lovely looking woman with a lovely figure.
I said we should go for counselling, but she would not go. I am so fed up with what is not happening and I wonder should I try to meet some other woman and move on, as life is so short and we only get one life. Or maybe I should put up with what I have and get on with it?
Cork Reader
Dear Cork Reader,
Thank you for your letter, which I’m sure was not easy to write, so credit to you for taking the first step towards seeking help. Because of the nature of your query, however, I have consulted with Eithne Bacuzzi, who is an experienced psychosexual therapist and relationships counsellor.
Having looked at your letter, Eithne believes that the key to the issue here is communication. From your point of view, this means that you need to convey to your wife in a clear, open and honest way how this situation is making you unhappy. However, it also means that instead of trying to take a shortcut to restoring the romance with flowers and chocolates, you need to find out how your wife really feels about the relationship.
Intimacy actually starts outside the bedroom and is as much to do with emotional connection and affection as the sexual relationship. Perhaps both of you need to put time and effort into reconnecting on that level? For example, while you write about your wife’s work ethic and lovely figure, have you told her how much you admire her? Do you show her how much you love and care for her, even though the sexual side of the marriage is dormant? Sometimes we take these things for granted.
It’s also important to try and find out when and why she stopped enjoying the physical part of the marriage. Simply put, what has changed in the last few years? And just as importantly, what might she need and want from you in order to reignite it? Or has she made the decision that the sexual chapter of her life is over and if so, where do you both go from there?
Talking to a sex therapist or a relationships counsellor would be of great benefit to both of you in this regard, but if your wife is not willing to attend, Eithne believes it would still be good for you to go by yourself and work out your feelings in a confidential and non-judgemental environment.
The most important thing is that the situation is not allowed to drift any further without trying to get to the root of the problem. However, you must remember that a relationship involves two people and you can’t just lay the blame (for want of a better word) for the sexual stagnancy on your wife’s shoulders. It takes two, in every sense. I hope that this advice is helpful and that you will find a way for both of you to be happy and fulfilled within the relationship.
• With thanks to Eithne Bacuzzi, a Leinster-based psychosexual therapist and relationships counsellor. To arrange an appointment, please call 087-902-9606 or email eithnebacuzzi@hotmail.com CL 
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