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Dear Miriam,
I have been going out with a lovely guy for the last number of years. We are both in our early thirties. We get on very well as we are now. He often talks about us moving in together. A new phase in our relationship, as to be expected.
He claims to be willing to move to where I live and us to settle there. I worry about that prospect. That will mean he has an extra two hours in commuting every day to and from work.
I also worry that we are both from completely different backgrounds
His job already involves being on the road a lot of the day. I’m afraid of the stress and fatigue an extra commute might bring for him. I don’t think he has really thought it through and I haven’t spoken to him about it.
I also worry that we are both from completely different backgrounds. We also have very different lifestyles. Unlike him, I can sometimes work long hours at weekends which sometimes involve me to be on the road on Saturdays or Sundays. At the moment, he is interested in my lifestyle and my line of work. But I think on a long-term basis, it might be hard for him to maintain that interest if our different occupations bring about a strain for him. I do know that he loves me very much. I do question whether I feel as strongly about him. If I loved him as he does me, I don’t think I’d be having these worries. I’d be looking for a way to make things work.
If we were to go our separate ways, I’d like to think I would be able to deal with the void and maybe we could still remain good friends
I don’t like to see him stressed as it changes his personality and he becomes very withdrawn. My own father was the same at times and that brought uncomfortable feelings with it. Maybe I fear those feelings again. If we were to go our separate ways, I’d like to think I would be able to deal with the void and maybe we could still remain good friends.
Would really appreciate any advice you might have, Miriam,
Confused Partner.
Dear Confused Partner,
Thank you very much for getting in touch. Such considerations with regard to relationships I know can take up a lot of headspace, so I hope you are keeping well.
You have outlined a number of reasons as to why you are rethinking this relationship. Your significant other becoming withdrawn and this bringing up feelings in relation to your father is very much a legitimate concern. However, that said, it is not such a big issue that you both couldn’t overcome it if the will were there.
Ultimately, I cannot tell you what to do
With regard to his commute and your lifestyles, I wouldn’t see these as deal breakers. If they are problems that you are considering, then they may also be signs that this relationship is not for you.
Ultimately, I cannot tell you what to do. That decision lies with you alone. I could tell you to weigh up this, that and the other, but maybe the simplest way is to look 20 or 30 years into your future and ask yourself if you see this man there? Are you happy? Therein lies your answer.
The fact you think you could deal with the void if you were to break up, may also be a potential sign this may not be the relationship for you long term
If you are not in love with this man and you don’t see a future with him, I would suggest you end it, which I know would be difficult, but it would be the fairest thing on both of you. The fact you think you could deal with the void if you were to break up, may also be a potential sign this may not be the relationship for you long term.
I heard a wise man once say: “Never be afraid to turn the page to the next chapter in the story of your life.” Don’t be afraid to do what you truly want in life, whether that is being or not being with this man.
Wishing you the very best,
Miriam.
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