We got a fierce turnout at the Kilsudgeon Spring Clean, but I wish now we had fewer, with the trouble that was caused. They were very enthusiastic. Too enthusiastic.
One of the new faces was big into Instagram. She found an envelope in a bin bag dumped at the fairy fort and she decided to make a video, calling out the culprit. By name.
Does anyone have any sense now? I’ve found envelopes before in bags and I was tempted to “name and shame”, but something told me not to.
A memory of priests on the pulpit maybe. There’s no shortage of pulpit now on the social media though.
“Turn on Jake Mam, they’re talking about you,” says Deirdre in the WhatsApp.
“...you’re listening to Jake Shake’s The Nation here on County Gold Music Hits, the station of the heartlands, with me Shakin’ Jake Murphy and a reminder; our competition to win a year’s supply of silage wrapping plastic from Deasy’s Agricultural Supplies, the question again was ‘May Lai was a massacre in which country?’
Feck. That must have been what the missed calls were. I thought it was one of those scammers
“Now, the story of the scourge of social media bullying is often about children. The victims and the perpetrators are children. Well my friends, adult online bullying happens too. Joining me on the line is Kilsudgeon woman Sharon Banton. Sharon, you went public this week after you say you were bullied on Instagram by the Kilsudgeon Tidy Towns.”
“I should say before we start, we reached out to Kilsudgeon Tidy Towns, but there was no reply.”
Feck. That must have been what the missed calls were. I thought it was one of those scammers.
Sharon is rearing to go.
“It’s an absolute disgrace Jake. I have been publicly shamed. That shows the dark side of the Tidy Towns Jake. They’re like a church, Jake.”
I go to ring in, but I’m too late. Someone else has got there before me. Sharon is continuing
“I’m a mother Jake, and my five children can’t go to school because they’re being accused of dumping rubbish–”
“Now to interrupt you there Sharon, we have Nora on line two.”
Who the feck is Nora?
“Can I just say Jake, if she says she’s a mother she should spend more time rearing her children, they’re running wild around the village throwing eggs at cars.”
“THAT’S A DISGRACEFUL ACCUSATION.”
Shut up Nora whoever you are. You’ll bring us all down.
“You will be hearing from my solicitor.”
“And you wouldn’t know who the father of any of them are Jake.”
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
“Now, ladies, please.”
“AH LADIES ME ARSE JAKE.”
Jake tries a different tack.
I think we’ve come to you too early Donal. We are covering the marriage wedding fair for the gay community in the second half of the show
“Donal on line three, you wanted to come in.”
“Jake, it’s very simple. The Bible says a man and a woman are the only people who can get married. If these so-called couples want to have a day out then they can do it but they shouldn’t be rubbing our faces in it.”
“I think we’ve come to you too early Donal. We are covering the marriage wedding fair for the gay community in the second half of the show.”
“Fair enough, Jake. Is it Vietnam?”
“You have to text in the answer Donal.”
Sharon is not distracted.
“I can tell you Jake I will be going straight to the gardaí after this and reporting a hate crime.”
“Tell them where your eldest boy is as well because they’re looking for him.”
There is a hanging up tone. Jake seems to be worried about the radio station’s legal bills so he hangs up on Nora too. We never find out where the massacre was either.
“And we’ll be back after the news brought to you this morning by Dougan’s Sludge Disposal for all your septic tank cleaning needs and after that, the death notices with thanks to Healy Headstones – Make Your Mark in Death as in Life.”
Headstones – I might need one of them soon.