In our club, Philly ‘Dulux’ Murphy wasn’t a painter but rather he wore two coats when it was really cold, and Barry ‘Cosy’ Lyons’s moniker is a contraction of the original “tea cosy”, a no-brainer given the confluence of his first and surname. Then, sometimes the provenance is disputed, as with Billy ‘50’ Gallagher.

Billy is one of life’s know-it-alls, though much of the expertise is self-bestowed. If you have a black dog, he’ll have a blacker one – a few of us are waiting for him to diagnose himself with COVID-20 soon. No amount of empirical evidence can inject humility into his over-confidence, though we did all enjoy the night of the club’s centenary dinner in 2001.

The next time you open your mouth, we’ll all climb in

The special guess was Niall Tóibín, but Billy couldn’t resist a few heckles during the set. It was meat and drink to Tóibín, though, who said: “The next time you open your mouth, we’ll all climb in.” Billy disappeared into the back bar of the hotel and hardly uttered a word the rest of the night.

The genesis for the nickname came soon after that, following an U21 final against Garranefeen in which Billy’s son Tadhg was playing. Tadhg, it has to be said, is a grand lad – a bit mercurial but fairly solid. If he was as good as his father made out, of course, he’d have been named on the Team of The Millennium, even though he was only 17 when it was picked.

Just after he left, the butt of Tadhg’s hurley won an argument with his marker’s ribs

Tadhg was doing well enough in the final, scoring five points, but we were eight down with 50 minutes gone.

That was enough for Billy to take his leave and secure a good seat at the bar, ready to denigrate the other 14 lads on the team for letting his boy down. Just after he left, the butt of Tadhg’s hurley won an argument with his marker’s ribs but sadly lost the debate against the referee’s notebook.

He got the line but, incredibly, a comeback for the ages appeared out of nowhere. Garranefeen were rocked back on their arses by three goals from our lads, the winner a miraculous shot from way out the field by the full-back, Liam Cahalane.

When the hordes of delighted people returned, he couldn’t let on that he had slipped away and so he tried to bluff it

Billy was oblivious to all of this, of course – nobody knew he had left early so nobody rang him to tell him and Twitter was still a few years off. When the hordes of delighted people returned, he couldn’t let on that he had slipped away and so he tried to bluff it, which was of course nothing new for him.

A few of us were toasting the fightback when he bowled over, claiming it was the best ever. “We’ll remember this one for a while yet!” he roared, and then, unable to resist a bit of embellishment, added: “I know ye’ll say I’m biased, but Tadhgeen was my man of the match. What a warrior.”

Myself and Larry Maher looked at each other, wondering if we were hearing things. Eventually, I said: “Ah Billy, sure he was sent off when we were still losing!” For the briefest of moments, Billy was without the usual self-assurance, but the thing about a good bullshitter is that he can adjust quickly. “Yeah, he did – but it was the only way he could get the rest of them to start playing!” and he swanned off.

It was a while before he heard the Billy ‘50’ name but of course he spun that one too

What can you say to that? We knew the truth but Billy had his alternative facts. He knew we knew and we knew he knew we knew, etc, but if you tell yourself your own version often enough, you’ll believe it.

It was a while before he heard the Billy ‘50’ name but of course he spun that one too. He claimed that it’s because he kicked a 50 to draw the 1984 county junior final, though those of us who remember that game know that it was a 13-yard free that hit the top of the crossbar as it crawled over.

One thing he can’t twist, and just chooses to ignore, is a little in-joke club tradition that endures to this day – when we have a player sent off but still win, the club notes will proclaim him to be the man of the match.

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Man and Ball: man undercover