Dear Miriam,

I am in my late twenties, working and living in Dublin, but I drive to Carlow most Fridays as I love to get home. (My friends like to joke that I’m like Aisling out of “What A Complete Aisling” and after the reading the book, I agree that might be true to a certain extent.)

Anyway, a few months ago, another girl from Carlow started working in my department. She is a nice girl and it turned out that we know a few people in common, as you would. After a few weeks in the job, she sent me an email asking if I would mind if she got a lift from the office every now and again on a Friday, as she doesn’t drive and would have to go into town for the bus lugging all her bags, etc.

Of course, I said that would be fine as I was driving anyway and I’d like the company to help pass the journey when stuck in traffic, etc. However, as time has gone on, the lifts have gone from “every now and again” to almost every week.

Again, nothing wrong with that - I’m going to Carlow anyway - but I suppose what is annoying me is that she has yet to offer anything towards the cost of petrol. In fact, even when I’ve had to fill up the car before the journey, she has not made any offer to contribute, even though she is obviously saving money on her bus ticket, etc.

Again, I know this might sound really small-minded and petty, but it is starting to get on my nerves and I’m starting to resent giving her the lift. A friend said I should just tell her the next time that I can’t bring her as I have to go somewhere else en route, but I don’t really want to get into those sorts of games when we have to work together and know people in common.

If I don’t say anything though, I think I’m just going to get more and more resentful. What do you think I should do?

Carlow Girl

Dear Carlow Girl,

This does sound like a conundrum that “Aisling” might find herself facing; and I think there is a bit of Aisling in us all at the end of the day, so I certainly understand why you feel this way.

I don’t think anybody minds giving another person the occasional lift and most of us would not look for a penny for it, just as you didn’t in the beginning.

It’s nice to be able to share those long, boring car journeys on a Friday evening and when you are going the same way, it makes perfect sense financially, environmentally, etc.

That said, I do think that when it becomes a more regular arrangement, it is fair that the cost is shared as at the end of the day petrol is expensive, there is a car to maintain, road tax to pay, tolls, etc.

So if this is genuinely bugging you and if you feel comfortable enough to express it, I think it is possible to address it without getting into the “games” you say you wish to avoid.

I would keep it very simple and straight-forward, so that next time that you are discussing/emailing to arrange the details about the lift, just say something like, “I really enjoy your company in the car Fridays, but I’m trying to save a bit of money for Christmas (or whatever) so would it be possible to work something out between us where we share the petrol costs?” I can’t imagine how she could object to that, and hopefully that will be all you need to say on the matter. I think the main thing is not to overthink it: just keep it sunny and straight-forward.

I hope that helps and wish you the best of luck.

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