Dear Miriam,

Our daughter sat her Leaving Cert in June. She studied very hard all year, but she is a perfectionist and prone to panicking in exam situations. She came home in tears on several days, saying that some of the questions did not go her way or that she ran out of time and didn’t get to write everything that she wanted.

At the time, I just did my best to support her and told her that everybody feels the same with exams and not to get too worked up over it. She calmed down once the first few days were over, but with the results on the horizon, her anxieties seem to have resurfaced, and she is saying that she won’t get the points that she needs for college, walks out of the room in tears, etc.

I’ve tried my best to reassure her, and have said that she can always repeat if it comes to it but, of course, that seems to make her even more upset. I hate to see her like this, but I don’t know what to say or do. I’m sure that she did much better than she maintains that she did, but how can I manage her until the results come out and we find out for sure?

I would appreciate any advice on this.

Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother,

Thank you for your email. I can understand how upsetting it must be to see your daughter like this, and little wonder she has herself so worked up, given all the hype around the Leaving Cert.

Those of us who have been through it know that there is life beyond the exam hall; but such words of reassurance are probably falling on deaf ears in your house right now. Of course, worrying never solved any problem – but try telling that to a worrier!

It’s not a magic-wand solution, but the best thing you can probably do is to simply be there for your daughter and let her voice her concerns rather than keeping them bottled up, while reassuring her of your constant love and support.

I think it’s also important to ensure that she is getting enough sleep, is eating well and is getting out for fresh air, because when we don’t do those simple things, it’s very easy to get overwhelmed.

With just a few weeks to go to the results, it might also be an idea to try to organise a few little outings to help take her mind off things too, whether it is a day out shopping or a trip to the cinema or the beach, just to bring her back to real life in the here and now, rather than fretting about the exams or worrying about the results.

If you feel that the worry is really getting to her, however, do you think she would be open to talking to somebody about it? Services like Jigsaw support young people aged 12 to 25 years of age (visit www.jigsaw.ie to see if there is a centre near you), or you could ask somebody like your GP to recommend a local counsellor who has experience in working with young people.

They would hopefully be able to tease out the root of your daughter’s concerns and perfectionist tendencies, while also giving her tools to help her to cope with her anxiety, such as breathing or mindfulness exercises.

Come results day, fingers crossed, she will get what she wants and realise that all her worrying was in vain.

If she does not get her No 1 choice, however, there are genuinely so many options available, whether she decides to repeat, take up a different college offer or look at other routes to enter her career of choice.

Life and work have changed a lot. So many people switch careers from what they originally trained in, take time out to travel, start their own businesses, etc. Your future is certainly not dictated by what you got in an exam when you were 17.

What is much more important is to learn to be resilient when things don’t go the way we planned and to realise that even if one door closes, there are many more waiting to be opened. I wish you and your daughter the very best of luck. CL