Dear Miriam,

This might seem like a small problem compared to the letters and emails that you usually receive, but I would appreciate your take or thoughts on the situation.

A friend of mine was recently going to a gala fundraising ball and she asked if she could borrow a formal dress from me. I was happy to oblige, as we have known each other for years.

When she was dropping it back afterwards, I was not at home, so she left it in a bag by the door, which was fine by me, as I did not think it would be in danger of being stolen or anything like that.

When I had a look at it later on that evening, however, not only was it balled up and wrinkled, but there was also a stain on it that definitely was not there before.

I’m really annoyed that what was a genuine gesture of goodwill between friends was repaid in that way

She never mentioned it to me when arranging to drop it back, and I have not heard from her since, strangely enough. I’m sure I could probably get rid of the stain if I hand washed the dress myself at home as it does not look like it is permanently damaged, but I suppose that’s not really the point. I’m really annoyed that what was a genuine gesture of goodwill between friends was repaid in that way.

I was also hoping to wear the dress myself to a wedding that I have in a few weeks’ time, but I’m irritated at the thought of even having to wash it myself when I handed it over in perfect condition. Maybe it all seems petty to you, but that’s how I feel about it.

I have not texted my friend back yet as I really don’t know what to say to her. I’m so annoyed!

What would you advise that I say or do?

Deirdre, Munster

Dear Deirdre,

Thank you for your email. I know that it is just a dress at the end of the day, but if I’m being perfectly honest, I would probably be fuming about it too.

I’m assuming that you gave your friend the dress in perfect condition and ready to wear (not balled up and wrinkled in a bag), and so the very least you would expect would be to receive it back in the same manner.

All of that said, it’s probably not worth cutting ties over forever if she has been a good friend to you in the past

Even if there was no stain at all, I don’t think it would have been unreasonable to expect her to drop it to the drycleaner to freshen it up before leaving it back to you. It’s just common sense and courtesy. Sometimes though, both of these attributes can be surprisingly lacking in people today.

All of that said, it’s probably not worth cutting ties over forever if she has been a good friend to you in the past and it’s a one off. So what I would probably do is text her something like:, “Thanks X for returning the dress, but I noticed that there is a stain on it that was not there before. Would you mind bringing it to the dry cleaner just to get that sorted out before I put it back in the wardrobe for the wedding I have in a few weeks? Thanks very much.”

I would probably rethink whether or not this is a relationship you really need in your life

Keep the message matter-of-fact and to the point; there is no need to get into knots explaining yourself or justifying your request. After all, if anybody should feel a bit awkward about the situation, it’s her, not you.

Hopefully, she will jump to it, the dress will be cleaned and returned to you. If not, though, I would probably rethink whether or not this is a relationship you really need in your life. But hopefully the situation will be resolved and you can both move on. Enjoy your wedding in a few weeks and thanks for getting in touch.

Read more

'My new book club is more about gossip and glasses of wine than reading'

My neighbour takes advantage of my good nature when volunteering at mass