Dear Miriam,

Hoping you can help me with a bit of advice. My cousin’s daughter is getting married in October of this year and my husband and I are going to be invited. My problem is he’s a binge drinker and really bad – he could be totally legless at 2pm and by 11pm at night totally out of it. I don’t know how to handle it or what to say.

The day can turn into a stressful nightmare. It’s the same situation at every occasion. Please can I have your opinion?

Thank you Miriam, I always read your page first thing.

Regular Reader

Dear Regular Reader,

Thank you very much for your letter. Can I just say first of all that I really feel for you in this situation and understand how what should be a happy occasion can be twisted into such a source of stress and anxiety due to your husband’s binge drinking.

As your query is related to a loved one’s drinking, however, I thought it best to refer to The RISE Foundation, which is a charity that was set up by Frances Black to support the families of those with addictive behaviour (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc).

Here is what they have to say:

“In our experience, family members who are trying to manage the problem of drinking by a loved one often fall into the unhealthy coping mechanisms of trying to control the drinking by pleading, advising, getting angry, etc, which can be mentally and physically exhausting.

“First of all, we would make family members aware of their powerlessness to control the unhealthy behaviours of loved ones and provide them with the three Cs: you did not cause it; you cannot control it; you cannot cure it. Your writer seems to look for ways to say the right thing to her husband to keep him from binge drinking on the night or to get a ‘handle’ on the situation.

“Unfortunately, the only control she has is over her own choices, reactions and behaviours in relation to her husband’s behaviour. This involves setting boundaries and considering available choices. For instance: leaving the wedding at an earlier time with or without her husband; trying to detach from his difficult behaviour; and/or avoiding rescuing him from unpleasant situations.

“However, from our experience in RISE, this is a complex and individual process, and I would suggest this lady seek professional counselling to support her in managing her husband’s problematic drinking in ways that may improve her anxiety, stress and the impact her husband’s binge drinking has on her.”

While I know that there is no easy solution offered here, there is much wisdom and experience.

At the end of the day, we cannot control another person or their behaviour, only how we respond to them or it.

I would perhaps use the time between now and the wedding to look into getting some professional counselling/support for yourself, whether through RISE – (01) 764 5131 or visit www.therisefoundation.ie – or a similar organisation/experienced counsellor working in the area of addiction.

That is not to say that you husband can’t or won’t ever change or tackle his drinking problem, but your priority right now is to take care of yourself.

I wish you the best of luck.

Read More:

https://www.farmersjournal.ie/i-dont-want-to-be-on-call-all-summer-long-to-mind-the-grandchildren-385967

https://www.farmersjournal.ie/yes-miriam-the-farm-will-always-come-first-384057