Dear Miriam,

I’m having an issue since this latest lockdown began and it’s starting to annoy me more and more as time goes on.

When the first lockdown happened last March, my friends and I started a Zoom quiz on Saturday nights. During the second and now into this third lockdown, they’ve kept it up. The issue is, I seem to have been left out of this latest lockdown quiz series.

One friend in particular started it and is the chief organiser. It’s not just our friend group, other friends of hers are involved too.

I do have a family at home, but still, I find this a lonely time

But I’ve heard nothing about joining since they started again in the new year. I know it’s going on because they post things on social media.

I’m pretty disappointed in my friends, as I feel excluded. I do have a family at home, but still, I find this a lonely time – I’m sure lots of people do – and it’s nice to have other people to chat to.

Miriam, I don’t know whether to mention it to this particular friend, the whole group or say nothing at all. I do feel very left out. Part of me doesn’t want to give them the satisfaction of saying, ‘Oh, please let me join in’. And also, the other issue is, I actually found the Zoom quizzes stressful.

I feel left out and isolated from my friends and don’t know whether I should say this to them or no

I’m not as smart as my friends and I’d sometimes come off it feeling like I was stupid. So, I suppose, I wasn’t always overly enthusiastic about the quiz part. I did skip a few and join late at times. I definitely didn’t take it as serious as the others, but I enjoyed the socialising around it.

So now, I don’t know what to do. I feel left out and isolated from my friends and don’t know whether I should say this to them or not.

What do you think I should do, Miriam?

Left out in Lockdown

Dear Left out in Lockdown,

Thank you very much for getting in touch. As I see it, there are two veins to this issue. One being that you feel excluded, and your friends shouldn’t have done that to you. The other is that you actually don’t like the quiz setup all that much, and that is OK too. Talking is always better than staying shtum, so I do think you should speak with your friend or friends about this. However, first I would suggest having a think about what you do want. Do you actually want to re-join this quiz?

Not excusing your friends’ behaviour, but keeping in mind that lockdown is weighing on everybody, give them the benefit of the doubt

I’m sorry that it made you feel stupid at times. To offer you a quote, sometimes attributed to Albert Einstein, but we cannot be sure: “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

Just because general knowledge mightn’t be the area you excel in, doesn’t mean there aren’t other things you are really good at. It is just one measure of intelligence.

You could always organise a separate video catch-up for just you and your friends

Not excusing your friends’ behaviour, but keeping in mind that lockdown is weighing on everybody, give them the benefit of the doubt. There is a chance they left you out because they felt the quiz was putting you under pressure. It doesn’t make it right, but have a look at it from the other side.

If you want to do the quiz again, tell your ‘organiser friend’ you feel left out and would like to re-join. If you don’t, I have another option.

You could always organise a separate video catch-up for just you and your friends. It would be a more relaxed atmosphere and you all might enjoy a chat in a more intimate environment.

Either way, I think you should talk to your friends and tell them how you feel.

Wishing you all the best,

Miriam

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