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Dear Miriam,
I fear my friend is married to a control freak. His wife is very high maintenance, at the hairdresser every fortnight for the bright blonde hairdo, driving the €40k jeep, living in a mansion, etc. I’m not quite sure that the country lad can keep up with it. If he posts a picture on Facebook she likes and comments on every single comment underneath. Nobody else’s partner carries on like this on Facebook.
He was on a night out with a friend and was overheard asking: “Will I get us a couple of escorts?” Apparently he said it like he was an old hand at it. I am concerned for his health if he is seeing escorts. I think her demanding lifestyle is sending him over the edge. He is a down-to-earth Irish lad. Tweeting about mental health and suicide, she would never retweet/share anything like that. I think she is as cold as nails and self-absorbed. I fear he may be totally indebted. I would hate for him to be a statistic.
Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
Thanks for your letter. I think we need to separate two issues: your concern for your friend and your feelings towards his wife.
Starting with his wife, while you might not agree with her lifestyle, she is an adult and entitled to make her own decisions. From your letter, I don’t get the impression that your friend has confided that her spending, Facebook activity, etc, are problems for him. At the end of the day, he is also an adult and responsible for his own family, finances, etc. If he is using escorts that is also his decision. So let us set the issue of his wife aside.
I do understand that you are concerned for your friend, and that shows you are a kind person. You mention Tweets regarding mental health and suicide, but I’m not sure if you mean your friend has indicated any issues or if you are speaking generally. If he has expressed that he is struggling, I think the best support you can give him is to let him know that you are there if he needs to talk. If you visit www.yourmentalhealth.ie there is good advice on how to support a friend you might be worried about – asking open questions about how they are feeling, talking gently about your concerns, listening without judgement, advice on getting further help.
It is also important to mind yourself, however, as when we worry about people we care about, it can become overwhelming. If you feel you need further support around this issue, I would suggest speaking with a counsellor to talk through your concerns. I wish you the best of luck.
Readers write
We have received a number of letters in response to: “Is it normal to have feelings for a girlfriend from long ago?”
Dear Miriam,
I am 50, in a happy marriage, however it must be a middle-age crisis men go through. I continually think of my three old girlfriends I had when I was a teenager and in my early 20s. One I keep in touch with over the phone. How I long for one of them to spend time with me. Any one of them. We just can’t help it. It’s the way men are wired. So no to counselling because that’s the way God wired us. I am sure 80% of middle-aged men feel the same way.
Shannon-side reader
Dear Miriam,
I am in my 60s now. When I was 16 I was friendly with an English girl. We were connected through our families. She came to Ireland every summer with her family. We sent letters to each other and she sent cards for different occasions and said she would like a long-term relationship. I was young and wanted to explore the world in farming and with other girls. She is married with family and I am married with family. I met her once about 35 years ago. I would say that every month I think of this girl and wonder if we will ever meet again. I find this part of life strange as one day we will all be gone.
Farmer Joe
Dear Miriam,
Tell Harry he is not alone. When I was 18 I met a boy. He came from the west. We drifted apart over nothing.
Every day I think of him and I long to see him again. I am a granny now and, like Harry, I can never tell anyone. I don’t know where he is, but every day I light a candle to Angel Michael and I have hope that one day we will meet again.
Maria
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