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Dear Miriam,
I am married to a part-time beef farmer and living about two hours from where I grew up myself. When we got married three years ago, I continued to go home to my own family for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, with my husband joining us on Stephen’s Day. I don’t get home as often as I like and then COVID lockdowns etc meant I hardly saw my family. My husband is an only child and a pure homebird, so he was happy to stay with his own family. I didn’t mind that.
However, I had my first baby six months ago. He is also the first grandchild for both sets of grandparents, so there has been great excitement all round.
With the baby, I have not been home much and so I really want to spend Christmas with my own family. But my husband’s family have been dropping hints that I should stay put, and basically insinuating it would be an awful shame to separate my husband from his son for his first Christmas.
I mean, are they for real? They get to see their grandchild every single day. I would much rather if my husband came with me, but I would feel guilty if his parents were on their own for Christmas Day then. But I don’t fancy tearing myself apart, doing Christmas morning with his parents and then driving for two hours with a small baby across the country to see my family.
What do you think?
New Mother, Galway
Miriam responds
Dear New Mother,
Christmas throws up all sorts of conundrums, doesn’t it? And all for the sake of one day. I think we are all attached to our own family traditions and change can be challenging. I completely understand why you want to go home, especially this first year as a new mother living far away from your own family. But the fact your husband is an only child does complicate matters and I can see why neither of you want his parents to be alone at Christmas either.
Your in-laws are hinting you should stay put, which is one option. Let’s look at some others. Would your parents consider coming to you for Christmas? Or would that be a lot of pressure? Maybe it’s doable if everybody was willing to dig in on dinner etc. Or perhaps your in-laws would be happy to host if they know your parents are willing to travel?
Could your husband go with you to your home place and stay Christmas Eve/Christmas morning before heading home for dinner. It still involves travelling on the day on his part, but at least that way he gets to spend time with you and the baby, and get home to his parents also. He can come back then again on Stephen’s Day as usual.
Other options include alternating families each year, or committing to starting your own Christmas tradition in your own home. That could be very special too. Eventually, all traditions change, so I think you and your husband need to work out what is most important to you both – rather than trying to keep everybody else happy – and go from there.
Reader writes
We received this response to a letter published in the edition of 12 November (“I’m overwhelmed by the festive season”) from a reader who found the runup to Christmas coupled with family responsibilities overwhelming.
Hi Miriam,
Paying for residential care [for her mother] on her own? Seems unfair. Hope she gets a tax rebate for same! Make them [other family members] all contribute or enter the Fair Deal Scheme. Cooking for the men? Let them get takeaways. Join the likes of the ICA or gardening clubs and have a life with those lovely persons. Meetings, holidays, hobbies etc. Go swimming. Get plenty of “me time”
She does not have to answer to her father either. Get home help if he needs it. Let her have her lunch out and enjoy her freedom.
Although I am not suggesting she abandon the men in the family, let them do more.
Best regards
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