Hi Miriam

I am writing to you about a very real problem that is adult sibling bullying. I chose not to get involved in a dispute, as it was none of my business and the real root of it was land, but no one was willing to admit this. I learned the hard way that some people could see not getting involved as taking sides. “You are either with me or against me” is the mantra.

I was – and am – still shocked at the events that followed: a campaign of abuse and bullying from my brothers and sisters. It took me a long time and serious suicidal thoughts before I realised what was happening.

People, whom I loved and still love, sent me horrendous text messages, ignored me at functions, walked past me in the street, spread rumours, did everything to affect my home and work life, most of it insidious and anonymous.

I thought I was going mad. Here I was in middle age and this had happened. I tried talking, apologising for things that were not my fault and kept running back, no matter what was said and done.

I suppose my overriding feelings were fear of being isolated and shame that this had happened. I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me.

My self-esteem was at rock bottom. Extended family members saw what was happening, but were not going to go against the mob, and that is what it was: a mob.

One day, I read an article on mob bullying and everything started to make sense. I started to see the mob as individuals and realised that one person was at the centre and they had their minions running around after them, who did the dirty work. Separating people took some of the power of the mob away.

The situation is still very difficult and the loss is great. I am still keeping the door a little ajar for some people, should situations change, but I am not banging my head against the wall anymore. My head is too precious for that.

The main reason I am writing this is that when I tell people my story, often they will respond in hushed tones about something that has or is happening in their family, to either themselves or another family member.

It is all hidden and hushed up. Adult sibling bullying is very destructive, damaging and powerful, because it is based on relationships built when we were children and vulnerable.

To anyone who is experiencing it: get help. Start by telling a reliable friend or counsellor. You are not alone.

Finally, to any group of two or more, who gather and viciously discuss another family member: just stop for a second. Because one of you just might send the text message or give the nasty look that will send your victim over the tipping block.

Neither do you know how your harsh words will encourage someone else’s actions of cruelty. Step out of the mob.

Being close with other people should not depend on destroying someone else.

From a regular reader.

Dear Regular Reader,

Thank you for getting in touch. Your story is painful, yet powerful, and while you undoubtedly still carry great hurt, you can hold your head high.

A bully’s behaviour only ever stems from their own insecurities. It’s never anything to do with the person who is being persecuted.

Of course, when it is happening in your own family, such reasoning goes out the window, but you rightly realised there was “mob rule” at play and got support to cope with it.

I think you are very gracious to “keep the door ajar”, and hopefully, one day, your integrity and trust will be rewarded.

But, until then, surround yourself with those who love and appreciate you – family or not – and don’t give anybody the power to make you feel like that again.

As I have often said: you cannot change another person’s behaviour, but you can change how you react to it.

I wish you much love and luck in the year ahead CL