How can I deal with a difficult sister-in-law

Dear Miriam,

As I read the letter in your page on 11 March (“Dealing with difficult family members”), I just had to write to you for your advice or input.

Like this reader, the woman married into the family, as I did. I married the farmer in the family. Everything was fine for two years before this girl entered the family. I got on great with his parents and we talked away, no stress at all.

Within six months of this woman entering the house, things just started to change. We would walk into the house, she would be there with his mother and all of a sudden they would stop talking or go into the other room. They would be doing loads of whispering in the other room. That’s all fine, everybody deserves privacy, but we later found out that this girl was telling my husband’s parents nothing but lies. To make it worse, they said absolutely nothing to us, only his mother might throw smart remarks at the both of us.

We asked his mother and father what was troubling them, but all we got was “not a thing”, “it’s in our imagination” or we are “jealous of their lives”. This girl is so sweet and wholesome to your face and then she goes and tells lies behind our backs. My husband has told his parents time and time again that he didn’t do what she is accusing my husband of, but it’s falling on deaf ears. His family has basically turned their backs on me and my husband. They welcome her into their house all over Christmas and every day we are treated like we are the ones that are wrong.

My husband is a good man but this lady has torn a family apart. There is not a thing I can do. To make it worse, my husband is farming the land. He put all his life savings into it and now he can’t walk away because he will lose too much money.

We asked if we could we try and sit down with this girl and see why she told lies, but his parents think we would cause her too much stress. Every week we would get a smart comment or remark. My husband has put his life savings into the family farm and the saddest thing is, God forbid, someday his parents are going to pass away and that farm can be given to anybody and it’s out of our hands. Nobody wants to get into the middle of it.

Where would you even start to sort out the mess?

Loyal Reader

Dear Loyal Reader,

Thank you for your letter. I agree this is a complicated situation and certainly one that I cannot solve in a few sentences. Some things are not clear to me either – for example, the nature of the stories this lady is telling your in-laws.

However, rather than trying to get into all that, I’ll come back to a piece of advice I have given time and time again: you cannot control other people’s behaviour but you can control how you respond to it. So for the time being, rather than focusing on what your in-laws are saying/doing, I think yourself and your husband really need to focus on what practical steps you can take to give yourselves more security in this situation.

The red flag here for me is the uncertainty over the farm. It seems that while your husband has invested heavily etc, there is no real succession plan in place. I would recommend that the most proactive thing you can do is to make an appointment with your solicitor to find out where you stand and to get solid advice on how to start the conversation with the family around making a succession plan.

With regards the emotional impact of this situation, I really would recommend seeing a professional counsellor to work with you on elements like confidence, assertiveness, self-care and putting appropriate boundaries in place – especially when living and working in such close proximity to your in-laws. Try your local family resource centre/women’s centre for affordable options or an organisation like MyMind https://mymind.org/

I would also try to spend more quality time with good friends and family (as in, your own parents, siblings etc) who can support you and make you feel loved and valued.

I’ll just finish by saying that when dealing with difficult people, their behaviour often says more about their own insecurities than the people who bear the brunt of it. So please, start with seeking the support you need now. Good luck.