Dear Miriam,

A few weeks ago, my brother brought home his girlfriend, who is really ignorant towards me. I’m a single person. She was welcomed into our house by mother and father. But after a couple of hours, she overstayed her welcome by asking my parents when was my brother getting the farm from them.

My brother has a very good job off-farm. She told me I should go and get a job for myself, as I don’t do anything on the farm, and said: “It should be your brother running the farm and not you.” After hearing this I went off in my car and slept overnight in a hotel car park, crying, as she is watching my parents for their money, along with kicking me out of the house.

ADVERTISEMENT

The next time she came, I brought my car down the yard and hid it, as I don’t want to see her face ever again. I slept with the cows in the cubicle shed. I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t tell my brother I don’t like his future missus as he’ll tell her and he’ll tell me I’m jealous over her, when I hate the sight of her. What do I do? I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

Please help

Distressed Farmer

Dear Distressed Farmer,

First of all, nobody has the right to make you feel so uncomfortable in your own home that you would rather sleep in a car park or cow shed. From your letter, this woman’s attitude is completely out of line. But running away is not going to solve the problem. So let’s look at what you can do.

She is obviously under the impression that your brother is going to inherit the farm, but it is not clear to me if there is any succession plan in place in that regard. Leaving her aside for the moment, I think your family needs to have that conversation, so you all know exactly where you stand.

If you need support with this process, you could contact a group like Succession Ireland (www.successionireland.ie) or ask your family solicitor for advice.

I also feel you would benefit from professional support to build up your self-confidence in dealing with difficult people, to learn how to establish boundaries and to be able to stand up and speak up for yourself.

You could check in with your local family resource centre regarding personal development courses or affordable counselling, contact an organisation like Aware (www.aware.ie or 1800 80 48 48) or get in touch with a group like MyMind (https://mymind.org or call 076 680 1060).

Proper support will help you work through your fears and anxieties and form a plan to deal with the situation. The most important thing is to realise your value and that nobody has the right to make you feel like this. Instead of running away from the problem, run towards the solution and the people who can help you. Good luck.

A reader writes

Dear Miriam,

I don’t want to turn this into a tit-for-tat, but in relation to physical/mental abuse be it man, woman or child, I still say people should leave. For help, contact Women’s Aid 1800-341-900 (men can phone them as well); AMEN 046-902-3718; Childline 1800-666-666; or The Samaritans 116-123. They can provide a listening ear and advice. Abuse happens in rural and urban areas, and where you least expect it.

We need to be able to make the call, not be embarrassed, and talk about abuse – the same way we need to be more open about mental health issues. Let 2017 be the year we become more vocal in relation to abuse and mental health issues, speak out and let our voices be heard. Give support and try not to be judgemental.

In relation to the cooking (at the in-laws) – what does it matter where it comes from if we can enjoy a stress-free meal?

I have friends who are great cooks who for occasions get caterers in or buy from caterers and are not backward in telling you what would be nice to bring with you – or if not asked, offering to bring something. The aim being to enjoy oneself in a less stressful situation.

Happy New Year

Mary