Dear Miriam,

I have been married for over 30 years and while it was no Mills and Boon, it worked and we produced a family who are all married and doing their own thing.

We were busy building up the farm to what it is today, never took holidays or had new cars.

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While I thought we were happy, it seems I was wrong. My husband has told me that he is in love with an eastern European woman who is much younger than him. Her husband works for us on the farm and has for several years. Now this woman has taken up employment in the south of Ireland, not to be near her husband, but mine. Up to now, she was living in her home country and visiting her husband at various times during the year.

We were up most of last night trying to see what is going to happen. We are very involved in the farming community and since I married I have worked on the farm along with my husband. I was so upset last night that I just cried all night.

I know he wants to go and live with her (he has told me). He suggested last night that I should go live with my mother. When this gets out I will be mortified. Please, what can I do?

Anon

Dear Anon,

After over 30 years of marriage, I can’t imagine the shock of this revelation and what it means for your family, farm and future as the carpet is pulled out from under your feet in such a cruel manner.

But rather than waste time telling you what I think of your husband or this woman’s carry on, or asking you to hope and pray that he comes to his senses, this is the best advice I can give you: we cannot control or change or take responsibility for the behaviour of another person, but we can control how we react.

Your priority at the moment is not to coax your husband to stay with you, or plead with this woman to go back to her husband, but to look after yourself. You are the most important person here and you need to put yourself first, whatever happens from this point on.

While you say that you are mortified at the thought of this news coming out in the community, you must remember that you have done nothing wrong. Rather than cutting yourself off from your usual supports or hiding away, you need to surround yourself with understanding and caring people at this difficult time. Thankfully, you have grown-up children to lean on, but I would also recommend professional support: the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (call 1890-907-265 or visit www.iacp.ie) can provide a list of accredited counsellors in your area.

There is so much that you have to deal with right now – the betrayal, the hurt, the confusion – and, in time, you will need to work out what you want for yourself.

For example, even if your husband does “come to his senses” or this lady returns to her husband, could you regain the trust you had before? Could you be happy again? These are all things that you need to tease out and family and professional support will be key.

I would also recommend that you contact your solicitor as soon as possible with regards to your rights in respect of the farm and the family home – and I assure you, you do have rights. While your husband might be encouraging you to return to live with your mother, I would encourage you to stand your ground and not make any move. If your husband leaves in the meantime, perhaps one of the children or a good friend can come to stay and support you?

Again, I know that this is a traumatic time and my advice might seem of little use, but please remember that there are many people who love and value you and will be there for you if you let them. Writing this letter is the first step. I wish you the best of luck.