Dear Miriam,

I love reading your advice columns. At middle age, my wife and I have close friends for 25 years. I have always had a crush on my friend’s wife. She has a gorgeous figure and a “J Lo booty” and keeps in shape by going to the gym.

She dresses immaculately, however, not too provocatively. She and my wife are very confident women in their own right.

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My wife knows I have had a crush on her for years and, in turn, my friend’s wife knows likewise.

She is from overseas originally and her outlook can be different at times than us Irish people. In other words, there are no secrets with her. She has told my wife she has been “no angel” in her marriage. I often wonder if I could have a sexual relationship with her, as I find her so attractive.

Sometimes at night when we are saying goodbye after get-togethers, she says, “Love you, hun.”

I would die with a smile on my face if I could make love to her.

Looking forward to your advice,

In Love

Dear In Love,

I have a feeling that the advice I am about to share is not exactly what you might have been hoping for. There is just no way in good conscience that I could encourage you to act on this infatuation. Look, an innocent crush is one thing; but risking your own marriage and a long-standing friendship in pursuit of a quick thrill? I find it hard to get my head around it, to be honest.

For one, I would not be reading anything into a comment like “Love you, hun.” Lots of people these days use those types of endearments for close friends. It certainly does not mean they want to jump into bed with them. And even if this woman has told your wife that she was “no angel” in her own marriage, that does not mean she is ready and willing to embark on an affair with you.

I just wonder how your wife would feel if she read this letter after so many years together, not to mention your friend; and this woman too. There seems to be no thought given to the consequences of embarking on a sexual relationship and what it would mean for both marriages, families and friendships. I believe it could be truly shattering for all concerned and that you would actually regret it too.

My advice is to concentrate on your relationship with your own wife, reintroducing romance and fun and making her feel special and loved. If you feel you could benefit from marriage counselling, there are many organisations that can help, such as ACCORD (www.accord.ie), Relationships Ireland (www.relationshipsireland.com) or finding an accredited relationship counsellor in your local area through www.iacp.ie

A Reader Writes

Dear Miriam,

I’ve followed your pages and, as a health professional, I can honestly say weight gain and depression in women is never seen by doctors as perhaps being caused by domestic violence. Women suffer badly, and you have letters from the victims, but the perpetrators have no sanctions.

The law needs to change and we need a Womenline like Childline for victims – or perhaps a body similar to “Hiqa” to shame and name the perpetrators and impose sanctions. Nothing fast is happening to help victims.

Cheers, G

PS Also, a whole TV campaign needs to be rolled out.?

Hi G,

Thank you very much for getting in touch. It might just be helpful to share details of services specifically aimed at women in such difficult situations.

For example, Women’s Aid (www.womensaid.ie) operates a 24-hour confidential helpline and offers services such as one-to-one support, court accompaniment etc, as well as being able to direct people to local services. Meanwhile, COSC (the National Office For The Prevention of Domestic, Sexual And Gender-Based Violence) also has a website with a full list of local support services for both women and men at www.cosc.ie CL