Dear Miriam,

Some years ago, my husband had a drunken one-night fling with my sister, shortly after our father died. My sister told my mother that my husband forced her, but later admitted she had been a willing participant but wanted to “save face”. This came out the week before my mother died, so the funeral was very fraught, with one half of my family believing my sister’s original version and the other believing my husband. I forgave my husband almost immediately as I was terrified the children would hear the story and he would be ruined in their eyes. They love him dearly, as do I, but I now find myself reliving the incident over and over in my mind. I now feel it was all too easy for him. I have so much pent up anger that it is affecting my relationship with him. Our sex life has gone from fairly frequent to not at all in the last three years.

I am ashamed to admit I read through his texts to see if there was any contact with my sister and found texts which were a bit racy to a woman who lives locally. It turns out he met her a couple of times, but swears it was just for a drink and chat. He said she reminded him of me before my dad died and that she was fun to be around. I warned her off, but any time she meets him out she goes out of her way to chat to him.

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I no longer trust my husband. We are more like brother and sister now, even though I long for things to be the same as before the whole mess. Is there any hope for us? Did I forgive too quickly?

Anxious Reader

Dear Anxious Reader,

Thank you for your letter. Due to the nature of this issue I contacted Bernadette Ryan, a counsellor and psychotherapist with Relationships Ireland (www.relationshipsireland.com) who shares this advice:

“Broken trust would appear to be the crucial issue here. Not only have you been betrayed by your husband, but also your sister and, to some extent, your family who took sides. To discover this a week before your mother’s death and that it was connected to your father’s death must have come as quite a shock. Have you been able to properly grieve your mother? Has it brought up grief issues around your father? You say you forgave your husband almost immediately for the children’s sake. It is natural for parents to put their children first, but this may not have been the best thing here. There is a distinct difference between couple issues and parenting issues and this is a couple issue.

You ask if you forgave him too quickly? I would ask have you forgiven him at all? Forgiveness can be a complex and painful process, which is usually helped by the remorse and seeking of forgiveness by the one who has betrayed.

It also requires the couple to come together and honestly address what may have contributed to this happening. This is where you could really benefit from professional support as these conversations can be very difficult. I am not surprised you are questioning whether you acted hastily. I feel you are right that you did and, as previously stated, perhaps for the wrong reason.

You ask is there any hope for you. Of course there is, but it can be hard work. Your husband will need to take responsibility for his actions and help rebuild your trust. Perhaps he is unsure about what trust means in an intimate relationship as he seems to think it is OK to have secret relationships, even if it is just a drink and chat. There may be an element of blame on his part when he alludes to you not being fun to be around. The answer does not lie in finding fun with another, but in supporting his wife through difficult times.

I am sure you are carrying a lot of complex emotions and feeling very angry on many levels. Have you shared your anxiousness and loneliness with your husband? Perhaps he has taken your word that all is forgiven. I would imagine he is not keen to bring up the past and perhaps you too are willing it away. You both need to face the elephant in the room. I would strongly recommend professional couple counselling to explore these issues in a safe and non-judgemental environment.”