Dear Miriam,

I feel like this is a problem that a teenager would write in with, but, to be honest, even though I am a grown-up, it makes it no less frustrating. I left home to go to college in Dublin over 10 years ago and have lived away ever since. I always worked hard, passed my exams, got a decent job, tried to do the right things, etc, with no drama or fuss.

My younger sister, however, is a different story. Through the years she has caused my parents a lot of worry in various ways and has never been able to stick at anything, whether it was study or work. She now lives at home, but doesn’t contribute in any way, even though she can somehow afford cigarettes or to go out socialising with friends.

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The problem is she completely manipulates my parents to get her way and to rule the roost. When I come home to visit she deliberately goes out of her way to make it known that it is her territory. If I have good news that I want to share, she immediately will do or say something to bring the attention back to her. She is always quick with a cutting remark and, as you can imagine, this leads to a lot of tension.

However, rather than recognise what is going on, my parents will always take her side as they think that she is vulnerable. It is getting to a stage where I simply don’t want to go home as I know there will be drama. However, I suspect that is what she wants and I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of that either.

I’ve never done anything to her, so I don’t understand her apathy towards me. All I know is that she enjoys making my life at home miserable. Am I being childish, or is there something I can do?

Sad Sister

Dear Sad Sister,

You know, I feel sorry for the brother in the prodigal son parable. There he was toiling away for years and in lands your man after living the life of Riley to steal his thunder, with the fattened calf sacrificed to boot. Sometimes it’s no fun being the reliable one. On a more serious note, I can understand that this is upsetting for you. But if you take a step back, I think it becomes quite apparent that your sister behaves in this manner because she is jealous or feels threatened by your success. Asserting her dominance in the home – and over your parents – may be the only thing she feels she has control over in her life right now.

Of course, this does not make her any easier to live with. But I do think there is a freedom when you realise that if somebody is lashing out at you, it is often because they are deeply unhappy in themselves. And who would really want to feel that way?

So, step one is to realise what this is really about. Step two is to stop responding to it, because nothing adds fuel to the fire like a reaction. Realise that these battles are not worth fighting. You have so many good things going on in your life and your weekends at home are too precious to be ruined by pettiness.

I suspect that you are most upset by the fact that your parents always take her side. But if you stay out of the arguments then there will be no sides to take. You could also look at spending time with your parents outside the pressure-cooker environment of the house, eg bring them out for lunch, or ask your mum to go shopping with you. Don’t let your sister dictate how your time should be spent.

I might also suggest asking your sister if she would occasionally like to do something together, for example go to the cinema or for a walk. She might say no or throw it back at you, but she is obviously not in a good place and a little kindness might yield some softness in her, or at least take the sting out of her tail. I hope that this is of some help and that you have more harmonious weekends at home to look forward to.