Dear Miriam,

When I was 18, I was working with a neighbouring farmer. A relationship developed between his daughter and myself, resulting in her becoming pregnant. We had to deal with this event totally on our own at the time as it was seen as a major crisis. In time, the baby was born and given up for adoption, with the minimum amount of people knowing about it.

Fast-forward over 30 years and the issue gets complicated as the mother of the child has contacted me to tell me that her child is relocating to a town nearby and may even be teaching some of my children (I married much later). I have told my wife about my past life and she was okay with it, but she does not want any knock on the door.

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As my children are only in their teens, I did not plan to tell them, but I’m afraid they will find out from someone outside the family circle. My wife is totally against telling them at all until they are adults, as she says it will cast a shadow over the family and they will never trust anyone again.

I would like if somebody could help me to get a perspective on this.

Sincerely,

Regular Reader

Dear Regular Reader,

Thank you for your letter. This is an extremely sensitive issue for all concerned, and there is certainly a lot to consider.

For example, I completely understand your wife’s point of view in wanting to wait until the children are older to tell them about the adoption. But even if you put aside your genuine fear that they might find out about it from somebody else in the meantime – and all the anxiety that goes with that – I wonder how they might feel, even as adults, if they learned later that this information was kept from them no matter how genuine the intention? This is especially true if there is a very real chance that they could come into contact with their half-sibling through the school system?

Realistically, there are other things to consider as well. For example, if your first born wishes to meet you at some stage, is that something you would be open to? And if so, how would you and your wife deal with that, given that she has already expressed her fear of getting the “knock on the door”?

You also mention in your letter that this situation was a “crisis” that you and the child’s mother had to deal with on your own at a very young age. I wonder about the long-term emotional impact that had on you, and if you ever had any support in acknowledging your own feelings about what happened?

So yes, it is far from a straight-forward situation but there are people with huge experience in this area who you can speak to in complete confidence to tease out your concerns and hopefully give you the sense of perspective that you are seeking. Barnardos runs a post-adoption helpline every Tuesday and Thursday from 10am-1pm on 01-454-6388 and I feel that might be the best place for you to start, even if it is just for the reassurance that you are not alone and that many Irish families have walked the same road. Barnardos also provides a range of other post-adoption services such as support meetings, mediation etc. You can find out more at www.barnardos.ie/adoption

I’m sorry that I don’t have the magic solution for you. I would just say that I personally know of one or two situations where children that were given up for adoption many years ago reconnected with their birth parents and half-siblings and that it has been a positive experience overall despite the justifiable fears that existed on both sides. Of course, I do appreciate that it does not work out for everybody either for very valid reasons, but we are living in a kinder and more open Ireland than we were 30 years ago, where families come in all shapes and sizes – it’s important to remember that.

So please, pick up the phone and speak to somebody who should be able to shine a little light to help you at this time. I wish you and your family the best. CL