In relation to a recent problem (“Should I tell my family about my secret child?”) we have received some feedback from readers. Please note that Barnardos runs a post-adoption helpline every Tuesday and Thursday from 10am-1pm on 01-454-6388, as well as a range of other post-adoption services such as support meetings, mediation etc. For more information, visit www.barnardos.ie/adoption

Dear Miriam,

I am a 21-year-old girl whose mother had a son over 25 years ago (she was 21 herself). Much like the situation in the paper.

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Your reader asks if he should tell his children about his “secret” child. Very simply, I think he most certainly should.

I know he and his wife are worried about how they will react and how it will affect their family. But to be straight about it, if they have raised their kids to be mature, open, understanding people then they will accept their father has a past and they will accept that this person is a part of their father. There is nothing they can do about it whether they like it or not. The fact that this “secret child” exists is not a bad thing – who knows, they may all accept him/her like one of their own if they are understanding and mature about the situation?

Once they get past the shock, they should soon realise that this person has done nothing wrong.

My mother told my brothers and sisters and I about her other son when we were younger (14 or 15 years old).

We have never heard a peep from him but if he ever came knocking then I can guarantee that we would do our best to welcome him – firstly because he has done nothing wrong to us, so we have no reason to treat him any other way, and secondly because we respect our mother and he is part of her, just like we are, and we can’t change that. She was young once and yes, she might have done things differently, but a child came out of it and that can only be treated as a good thing.

His children should realise this. If they love this man, they shouldn’t let this situation affect their family in a bad way and they should be grown-up, mature and respectful to the “secret child” because none of it is their fault.

Congratulations Miriam on what you do. Problems like this touch more people than we know. Farmers can be so stubborn at times and they just don’t talk about things. At least reading your problem page might make people realise that there are others out there too and they are not alone.

Kind regards, Kilkenny Reader.

be honest with them

Dear Miriam,

My advice is for him and his wife to sit down their children and be honest with them from the beginning to the end. They will know soon enough anyway and will thank him for his honesty. Up to now, they didn’t need to know but going forward this is the only thing to do – and remember there is no crime committed by anybody.

We had exactly the same instance in our family. The baby was between by mam and dad and they could not keep the baby as it was at the time when the church did not allow it. But they told us when we were teenagers and we were all reconciled with our brother and he was delighted and so were my mam and dad. Honesty is the best policy.

Munster Reader.

talk about your feelings honestly

Dear Miriam,

After reading your page about secret child, I too was in such a position, waiting for the knock on the door. Then a few months ago my partner’s adopted child got in touch and wanted to meet with their mother. We have children together and were very happy. Now it has all changed.

In the beginning I told her I had no problem about it (but I had). They met and got on well and have met a few times. My partner wants to tell our children and her family and her child wants to meet them all.

When I told her I wasn’t happy she said it is her child that’s the problem. We now are living in very unhappy times.

Tell your reader to talk about her feelings honestly – it is not an easy time as I know. As for telling your children – wait until they are adults. They have enough to deal with in everyday life and this adopted child could very easily walk back out of your life as they came in, after causing you and your family problems.

Sincerely, Reader. CL