Dear Miriam,

I am widowed, relatively young in age and have two teenage daughters going to secondary school. I am also working on the farm I inherited from my late husband. Around a dozen times a year I get a ring from my ex-boyfriend (before I was married) to talk regarding the goings-on in our lives. He lives abroad and now wants to come home for Christmas and stay with me and my daughters.

I have been adamant about wanting to stay single until my daughters are grown up and moved on. However, I have a feeling this fella wants to stay with me for sex, notwithstanding the fact that my two daughters will be here.

I try to make up excuses to fend him off the idea so he won’t come around the place and make it hell for the three of us in the house. Could I get a restraining order on him before he even shows up, as I feel this is an invasion of our lives without our consent?

I try to bring up my daughters with decency and high morals and not see this carry-on in our own home.

Thank you for your advice,

Loyal Reader

Dear Loyal Reader,

Thank you for your letter. You sound like a strong woman who is doing a wonderful job raising your two daughters and running the farm after a very tragic loss so early in your married life. So, the first thing I would like to say is that you should be proud of all you have achieved for yourself and for your girls.

Regarding your ex-boyfriend, while I am not a legal expert, I feel it might be difficult to get a court order as you don’t mention in your letter that there has been a pattern of intimidation or violence in the past or that there has been a specific threat on this occasion, other than you have “a feeling” about why he wants to stay with you. That said, I do note your comment that he could “make it hell”, so if there is a history/fear of him causing trouble for you, I would recommend that you speak to somebody like your local guard for their advice. You could also contact FLAC (free legal advice centres) on 1890-350 250 for further information on what is involved in obtaining an order.

What is clear from your letter, however, is that you feel you might be put in a compromising situation if this man comes to stay at Christmas and you don’t feel comfortable at this prospect. So, if your gut is telling you to say “no”, you are right to listen to it. You mention that you have tried to make up “excuses to fend him off the idea” but these seem to be falling on deaf ears. Therefore, I think you need to be very clear with him and let him know that you will not be hosting him over Christmas. Whether you want to elaborate on the reason why is up to you – either way, no means no. Even without your uneasiness around his intentions, Christmas is a time for family and it would seem quite unusual for an ex to spend the holiday with you and your daughters. This is your home and your family and you have every right to put the appropriate boundaries in place to protect them – and to follow through on implementing them.

You mention that this ex-boyfriend rings a few times a year to check in. Are you happy to maintain this level of contact or is that something that you feel needs to change too? Is this really a relationship you need in your life or is it time to move on? My feeling is that if you are thinking of obtaining an order to keep somebody away, then perhaps it is time to look at cutting ties there too?

So, to sum up, I think you need to decide what you want for yourself and your family and to make your feelings clear to this man on the matter. Hopefully he will get the message, but if he does not or if his behaviour starts to verge towards intimidation or harassment, then I would certainly speak to the guards and seek legal advice with regards taking further steps. I wish you and your daughters the best of luck for the future. CL