Dear Miriam,

My husband and I recently had our first baby. While both of us were raised as Catholics, I no longer practice and my husband is what you might call “a la carte” eg he might go to mass at Christmas or a special occasion, but that would be it.

On the other hand, his mother is very religious and was not impressed when we decided to have a civil wedding rather than a church ceremony.

I’ve a fairly thick skin, so I did not let her disapproval get to me and in the end, the day went off without any issues or meltdowns; though I suspect she secretly feels we’re really not married at all “in the eyes of God”!

I think it would be very unfair to the church as well, as I’m sure they don’t want people taking part in sacred sacraments for “a day out”

Anyway, we got over that bump in the road, but the issue now is about having the baby christened. While I absolutely respect other parents who choose to have their babies baptised, as I no longer consider myself a practicising Catholic, I would simply feel like a complete hypocrite.

I think it would be very unfair to the church as well, as I’m sure they don’t want people taking part in sacred sacraments for “a day out”. My husband did not feel very strongly about having our baby baptised, but still wanted to mark the occasion, so we decided we would have a little gathering in our home to celebrate the arrival.

Anyway, you can imagine how this has gone down with my mother-in-law. She has let us know in no uncertain terms how upset and disappointed she is about “what we are doing to the child” and that she hopes we will “see sense”.

And of course, she won’t be coming to the gathering when there is nothing to celebrate!

As I say, I have a thick skin, but I find her attitude very disrespectful to both myself and my husband as parents. I would never dream of telling her- or any other woman or man- how to live their lives.

My husband is also annoyed about it, but at the end of the day, she is his mother, and he doesn’t want to fall out with her. I’d appreciate your take on the matter.

New Mother, Munster

Dear New Mother,

Thank you for your email and congratulations on your new arrival. I am sorry to hear that this issue with your mother-in-law is causing unnecessary stress at this special time in you and your husband’s lives.

Look, I don’t doubt that she essentially means well and believes that having the baby baptised is the best thing to do. But while she is entitled to her opinion, that does not give her the right to force it on you.

You and your husband have obviously thought carefully about your decision and the fact that it does not feel right to you to have the baby christened when you are not practising Catholics.

While your mother-in-law might interpret this as a snub, however, I actually see this as a sign of your respect for the sacrament, as you clearly don’t want to just to go through with it “for the sake” of it.

My approach would be to tell her that while you understand and appreciate her concerns, you feel that this is the best thing for your child right now, but that you would love to see her at the gathering to celebrate the new addition.

If she chooses to stay away, then that will be her decision. I suspect that- much like the wedding- once you stand firm, she will just have to accept it. I wish you the best of luck and hope you have a wonderful day.

A reader writes

Dear Miriam,

On reading the letter published 30 March (“I think that my daughter’s boyfriend is mean”), might I suggest that her daughter seek a tenancy agreement with her boyfriend or his parents?

In this agreement, the rent, bills, ownership of furniture etc be clearly stated and provision made for the possibility of the relationship breaking down and the subsequent division of property thereafter.

She should seek advice from a solicitor or Threshold or the Citizen’s Information Office. I hope everything works out.

Regards,

Concerned Reader

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