Dear Miriam,

I am involved in our local church as a minister of the Eucharist. There are a few of us on the rota, so I am generally “on duty” every second Sunday, although I usually go to the same mass regardless, as the time suits me.

The issue is this: the lady who does the other Sunday is a neighbour down the road and very much suits herself rather than the rota.

I don’t mind doing the odd extra shift when somebody is genuinely stuck, but this happens all the time and she never offers to return the favour

So often, I will get a call from her the night before to say that she won’t be able to make mass for whatever reason – often as she decides to go off for the weekend or even just the day – and she’ll ask me fill in for her as “you’ll be going anyway”.

I don’t mind doing the odd extra shift when somebody is genuinely stuck, but this happens all the time and she never offers to return the favour. I know it might seem like a petty thing to be writing in over, but I just get so annoyed at how she neglects her duties and just assumes that somebody else will pick up the ball.

I’m sick of being treated like a skivvy

I’ve thought about going to a different church on the Sundays I’m not on the rota just to teach her a lesson, but to be honest, that would probably cause me even more hassle. But I’m sick of being treated like a skivvy.

What do you think I should do?

Ann, Leinster

Dear Ann,

Thanks for your letter. Yes, I can imagine that must be frustrating alright. I’m sure it’s not really having to do the job itself that annoys you – as you say, you would be at that mass anyway – but what appears to be the rather glib way that your neighbour just expects you to slot in when it does not suit her. At the end of the day, nobody likes to feel that they are being taken for granted; even when it comes to a relatively small issue like this.

I suppose you could pretend that you “missed” her call, but why should you have to dodge and dart around?

I agree that changing churches is probably more hassle than it’s worth. I suppose you could pretend that you “missed” her call, but why should you have to dodge and dart around? That can be anxiety-inducing in itself. Ultimately, I imagine that all you are looking for is a bit of fair play or at least to feel like your good nature is not being taken for granted; without having to compromise your good nature in the process.

So next time she calls, is it possible to balance the books a little? For instance, have you holidays coming up yourself or a weekend where you won’t be around that you do need cover for?

At the end of the day, though, it might be better to separate the frustration you feel towards your neighbour from the actual role of minister of the Eucharist

If so, when she asks you to fill in, can you respond with something like, “Absolutely; but while I have you here, can I book you to fill in for X in return? If so, I’ll let Fr Y know so he can change the rota.” Of course, there is no guarantee that you will be able to pin her down; but it might make her think twice about calling up at the last minute.

At the end of the day, though, it might be better to separate the frustration you feel towards your neighbour from the actual role of minister of the Eucharist. It is obviously something that you enjoy doing in your own time as a volunteer and I’m sure your commitment and willingness to step up to the plate is noted by your parish and the wider community. So even if this individual takes you for granted, rest assured that most people do not. Maybe reframing your thought process that you are doing it for them – rather than for her – might help. Thanks for getting in touch and I hope that everything works out.

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