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Dear Miriam,
I am 54 and generally not so decisive, but I get there eventually. I also have low self-esteem. My wife is a wonderful, attractive woman, with great vision and intelligence. She is quick-thinking and decisive, and generally the mainstay of our family.
We are both very dedicated, hardworking and try our very best. We are, I think, both very affable and generally well-liked by neighbours, friends etc. Our relationship has been strained over recent years. When we had a level of intimacy we had very good communication. I love my wife very much. I have never asked her to do anything that she did not want to, and never would. I feel that our intimacy was always gentle and considerate.
We have slept apart for almost 10 years, with very infrequent or now no intimacy. My wife has always said she loves me and wants us to continue and have a good relationship in all respects.
The problem is that she will not discuss intimacy, but says that when we can communicate and “get on” better, then intimacy may resume. For me, I struggle to open up as my wife is so much more decisive. For example, if I suggest a social outing she will want to know all the details and will have better ideas/arrangements. This results in a better plan, but me feeling resentful and rejected. So I rarely suggest anything. I went to a counsellor some years ago, which was helpful. My wife said she did not wish to go together as she did not see the benefit. The counsellor said that the mismatch of intimacy desire and communication vacuum happens in many relationships and recommended that I leave. But my wife was and is the only woman I want to be with. I do not expect or want anything other than an agreed level of intimacy that is comfortable for both. However, my wife will not discuss this. For her communication and sharing comes first – intimacy after. The result is we now have no intimacy, or relationship. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt the one I care for the most.
Sincerely, Lonely
Dear Lonely,
Thank you for your letter. Due to the nature of your query, I have been in touch with Eithne Bacuzzi*, a psychosexual therapist in south Dublin. Eithne writes: “Great sadness and loneliness can have a debilitating effect on a person’s life. The sense of feeling overwhelmed and powerless comes through very strongly in your letter. I think you feel you have exhausted all avenues of hope for your relationship. You’ve sought counselling and you seem very self-aware with your insight into what is needed in the relationship. I note you admire your wife in so many different ways that she is almost on a pedestal. I feel, however, you could drown in the relationship if you don’t find your own voice and believe that your input is as valid as hers. Reading your letter, I wondered what prompted the situation to start sleeping separately 10 years ago? Feeling rejection and resentment are not healthy and silence can sabotage a relationship. Your wife seems to say that if communication was re-visited, she would return to intimacy. This communication is a responsibility of both parties. It’s not to air criticism, as criticism can be toxic for a relationship. It’s to air and merge needs. At the end of the day, however, we can only change ourselves, and in doing so hopefully contribute to the possible overall change in the dynamic we share with our partner. We can give the other a choice, but it’s up to them if they don’t respond. To leave the relationship is extreme and usually the last step. Other choices include staying and working on the relationship, or staying and grieving the situation you find yourselves in. It takes courage to examine these choices and fear is often the real reason we avoid extremely difficult situations. So where to now? While you tried counselling before, perhaps this could be re-visited with a different counsellor. You mention difficulties sharing your feelings with your wife, so counselling might also help you feel more confident and comfortable to express what you are experiencing. The best of luck.”
* Eithne Bacuzzi is in practice in Sandyford, Co Dublin. Call 087-9029606.
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