Dear Miriam, we have received an invitation to the wedding of a friend’s daughter. They are actually just having immediate family for the marriage itself and a small dinner, with a party for friends, neighbours, etc, the following night in a local pub.

Usually, I like to give money (around €200) as a wedding present, as I feel young people have all they need with regards household items, and it helps offset the cost of the big day. But I’m not sure what to do in this case, as it will just be finger food, so maybe €200 is excessive if you are being honest about it.

What would you recommend?

Claire, Munster

Dear Claire,

Thank you for your letter. I suppose, for me, it’s not really what a wedding costs, but my relationship with the person. For example, if a very good friend decided to have a BBQ in their back garden to celebrate their wedding, I would give them the same present as a friend who went the five-star-hotel route.

In this case, however, it is a friend’s daughter, so I’m assuming you are not particularly close, though it is still lovely to be asked. So what about a thoughtful token, like a voucher for their favourite restaurant, or something for their home that is practical but still a treat, like a picnic basket or a Foxford throw or a pretty tea set?

A Reader Writes: Your in-laws are a lucky dip

Dear Miriam, I read with great sympathy a recent letter from a reader who had moved from her seemingly easy urban life to living on a farm with her new husband and his family (her in-laws). She wrote movingly about the isolation and pain she experienced in trying to adjust and never feeling fully accepted.

I was reminded of my scenario and of my own in-laws, supposed city suburbanites, and their inability to accept/integrate an educated, accomplished woman originally from rural Ireland; in some ways, a rather extreme reverse of what your reader outlined. In my particular case, I was living in the US and recognised, albeit in a very different setting, the desperate isolation, loneliness and sadness your reader described.

I was prompted to write to you and ask that you remind all young brides (and grooms, for that matter) that in-laws are a lucky dip. We marry our spouse for him or for her, and the associated family may turn out to be, in some instances, an unwelcome addition. Perhaps we might all be well advised to consider this as part of our marital agreement. It seems to me something which remains too often unaddressed entirely or politely ignored.

If there is one piece of advice I would give to any prospective young bride/groom, it is to consider not only one’s spouse very carefully, but include the associated family as part of that most important life-changing decision too.

Thanks always for your very interesting segments – I really enjoy reading them.

Very best, Regular Reader

A Reader Writes: Let the apron strings go

Dear Miriam, in reply to the recent letter stating that the “persecution of women on farms is so common”, I agree. It’s also common if one marries into a business.

As a granny, I can only say the husbands of these women are cowards and spineless. Stand up for your wife, I would say, and forget about your mammy and daddy. Men need to step up to the plate.

So through your page, educate men and all mothers and fathers out there to let the apron strings go as your son gets married. Accept his choice of wife. Keep your mouth shut and mind your own business. Help out if asked, but don’t interfere. Feck the begrudgers and pride.

To all young farmers’ wives, keep working and keep your distance from the in-laws or they’ll become out-laws. Do your own thing and if your husband doesn’t support you, maybe you would be better without him. If his mammy and daddy take priority, he should stay living with them.

Anne, Waterford

NB, Live on the farm with him before marriage. It may be an eye-opener. CL