Dear Miriam,

I am 38 years young, living in the west. I work in a job with long hours and am quite content in it. However, it is very difficult to meet up with people and do activities, as [my job] involves working nights.

I rarely socialise and have few friends, so keep mostly to myself. My social life is non-existent. I am rather shy and introverted and enjoy quiet nights in with a bottle of wine at weekends.

I have a positive outlook on life and have hobbies and interests and keep fit. I have never been in a relationship or had a girlfriend ever. I do go on holidays and do something most weekends. Are there other people like me? Men and women of a similar age group who opt for a quiet lifestyle? I would be interested to hear other readers’ views.

Kind regards,

Western Male

Dear Western Male,

Thank you for getting in touch. My first thoughts are that although you describe yourself as “shy and introverted”, you seem comfortable in your own skin, in that you are content in your job, you have a positive outlook on life, enjoy hobbies and interests, keep fit and travel. I wonder if many of the people who would describe themselves as “extroverts” could say the same underneath it all?

I’m sure there are many other people who crave the “quiet lifestyle”; but I guess the issue is how or where to find them? I do think that for people who are not into the typical “pub scene”, the best way to meet like-minded people is through shared interests.

For example, you mention that you like to keep fit. Would you be open to joining something like a hill-walking group that meets at weekends and works with your schedule? You could also look up www.meetup.com to find a wide variety of hobbies, interests and social opportunities in your area.

If it is a romantic relationship you would like to pursue, however, I can understand why the social scene is daunting. In that case, maybe you could consider trying a more tailored dating service, where you could ask to be matched with somebody with a similar outlook on life? Matchsticks (www.matchsticks.ie) often works with people from a farm background, or you could also consider the Getting In Touch column on the opposite page.

If you would like to work on developing confidence in general, it might also be an idea to consider some sort of personal development course or one-on-one work with a counsellor to learn some tools and techniques to push beyond your comfort zone in a supported manner, if that is what you would like to do.

Of course, if other readers would like to get in touch to share their thoughts and experiences, as you request, that would be great too. I think the most important thing to emphasise is that there is nothing wrong with enjoying “the quiet lifestyle”: there is really a lot to be said for being happy and comfortable in your own skin and space. However, it is important not to feel alone either but, with a little work, I think you can find a happy medium. Wishing you all the best.

Note

In response to a recent problem (“Am I wrong not to apologise after my neighbour behaved inappropriately towards me”) we have received a number of letters of support for the writer, which we have passed on as requested. One reader also got in touch to ask why Miriam had recommended counselling, rather than reporting the incident to the gardaí.

Miriam would like to clarify that the letter writer was specifically seeking advice on how to deal with her parents’ reaction to the incident, having already made it clear to this man his behaviour was unacceptable. Counselling was suggested so she could get support in taking whatever steps necessary to feel secure and safe in her home and farm, which could of course include exploring legal options.

For anybody affected by sexual harassment, there is detailed advice available at www.rapecrisishelp.ie as well as a 24-hour helpline on 1800-778888. Thanks again to everybody who got in touch.