My only son recently got married to a lovely girl and they were lucky enough to welcome their first baby eight months ago. I am besotted with my grandson and help out where I can as I’m retired now.

I have a great relationship with my daughter-in-law and I’m very close to my son. The problem is he doesn’t seem to lift a finger to help her.

She always has his meals on the table, clothes washed, baby minded and the household running like clockwork without him doing an ounce to help out. While he works on the family farm with my husband, I still think he needs to give her more support and appreciation. When I tackled him on it recently, he said I was overreacting. How do I get him to see some sense?

I feel my son is taking advantage of his wife and should help out as she looks tired and worn out most of time. Should I talk to her and find out?

– Annoyed, Co Kerry

Dear reader,

Thank you for getting in touch. It is great to hear that you have a lovely grandson and new daughter-in-law, who you clearly care about very much.

The first thing I note is that you haven’t mentioned whether your daughter-in-law has raised the issue with you. Unless she asks for help, I would tread carefully. Boundaries with in-laws are just like those with any other person in your life.

Saying that, she may not feel comfortable raising issues in her marriage with you – you are after all, her husband’s mother.

So, if you feel it is appropriate, I suggest you try to talk to your son again in a calm manner. This time sit down with him and tell him you are worried about your daughter-in-law.

Explain that being a new mother can be a lot of work and mental strain. It’s not just about taking care of the baby, but all the other stuff that comes with being a parent that he may be unaware of.

Perhaps, as a start, you could suggest that he offer to give her a night off where she can visit friends or do a class. You could help him – the first few times – if he’s not confident about taking care of the baby on his own. You could also offer to give them both a night off so they can talk.

Also encourage your son to sit down with his wife and start talking to find out if she is doing okay and maybe suggest some outside help in the short-term, like someone to come clean the house twice a week? Or batch cook some meals for them?

You ask whether you should bring this subject up with your daughter-in-law. Well, if you do, be gentle in your approach. It would be good to check-in with her to ensure she is not overwhelmed and offer whatever support and understanding you can.

Motherhood is beautiful but there isn’t a new mother on the planet who doesn’t need a shoulder to cry on every now and then.

You sound like a wonderful mother-in-law and she is lucky to have you looking out for her.

It’s still early days for them as a new family so they’ll find their feet in time.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie