Dear Miriam,

I am in an unhappy marriage to a farmer and I know I should get out. I wonder if some farmers realise what is wrong with the way they treat their families?

As with many farmers, it’s all my husband has known. He was reared to be a farmer, took over the farm, and now lives a few feet from the home place. He has never had to compromise over issues as he is the boss, and has never really worked with anyone other than family. I don’t know if he can see how difficult his behaviour is and that it isn’t okay to be roaring at his children, or ignoring people who don’t agree with him.

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In all sincerity, I wish Teagasc would produce a newsletter that deals with some of these issues, or that the groups that meet to discuss farming issues would meet more regularly to talk about dealing with people.

Thank you,

Disappointed wife in a silent marriage

Dear disappointed wife,

First of all, thank you sincerely for your letter. Of course, while many women have shared similar experiences of late, it’s only fair to point out that this is not reflective of all farmers, or indeed men, given the harrowing letter we also received from a farmer detailing decades of physical and psychological abuse at the hands of his wife.

That said, your suggestion that some of the farm groups should start to address such issues is worth highlighting. No more than previously taboo subjects like mental health, we need to collectively face up to the fact that these are very real problems in Irish homes, rather than sweeping them under the carpet.

But back to your situation, where lack of compromise, a reluctance to communicate, and a short fuse are all factors in this “silent marriage”.

I don’t know if you have attempted couples’ counselling, but all these issues are possibly ones that could be addressed. Even if your husband refuses to attend, I think it would be of great benefit to you personally to talk to somebody in a safe and confidential environment. As usual, I recommend ACCORD, as they provide an affordable service to individuals as well as couples nationwide (see www.accord.ie or call 01-505-3112 for details of your local office.)

I think it’s also important to find a space for yourself away from the deafening silence of your marital home. You don’t mention if you have a job, but if you do, that is a great source of independence, both financially and otherwise. If you are not employed, but are interested in returning to the workplace, then autumn is a great time of year to look into training and educational opportunities, as many of the local VECs advertise full- and part-time courses. But even if it’s simply a case of taking up a new hobby, or signing up for a craft, cooking or exercise class, I think it’s important that you find an escape for yourself and a place where you feel respected and valued as an equal.

Of course, I’m sure that your children are your ultimate priority. Again, it’s not clear from your letter how old they are, but you are obviously concerned about the impact your husband’s behaviour might have had/be having on them.

If you genuinely feel that the future of the entire family might be best served through separation, you might consider taking advantage of the family mediation service, which was highly recommended by another letter writer in a similar situation (see www.legalaidboard.ie). Another option, of course, is to talk to a solicitor, who should be able to brief you on rights and entitlements, given your contribution through the years to the family, home and farm. Also, don’t be afraid to reach out to family and close friends. Many women who have written to this page have said they would have been lost without such support.

There are many decisions ahead, but as daunting as that sounds, the most important thing to remember is that you actually have options. I wish you and your family the best of luck in finding the happiness you deserve.