Dear Miriam,

I wonder if you could advise me on a family situation. I am in my late twenties and grew up on farm but I am now living in Dublin and working in the agri-food sector. I was brought up as a Catholic and my family would be quite religious. For example, my father is a minister of the Eucharist in our local church.

Growing up, I would have been involved also, such as doing readings, and when I first left home to go to college, I was one of the few people my age I knew was still going to mass on Sundays.

I would still go to mass with my family so as to not cause any hassle or upset

But over the years, due to various reasons, I can say that my faith has dwindled to the point where I would probably now describe myself as agnostic, if not veering towards atheism.

Over the last few years, however, any time I would go home for the weekend or for Christmas, Easter etc, I would still go to mass with my family so as to not cause any hassle or upset.

I completely respect that my parents have their beliefs, but I would like them to respect my viewpoint also

During COVID-19, I wasn’t able to go home for a long time, so I did not have to keep up the pretence. Now that things are getting back to normal, however, there is the expectation that I will go to mass with my family whenever I am at home. The thing is, I feel like such a hypocrite doing that when I’m not a true believer.

I completely respect that my parents have their beliefs, but I would like them to respect my viewpoint also. I think that I have good morals and that I do my best to help others, be kind etc. I don’t think I need to be a Catholic to live a good life.

It’s not like I think they will cut me off or anything like that but I know that this will cause upset to my parents, and that it would probably be easier just to bite my tongue and go along with it for an easy life – but it does not feel right to me.

How would you advise me to break this news to them?

Siobhán, Leinster

Dear Siobhán,

Thank you for your email. The Catholic faith is obviously very important to your parents and you have explained already that you have complete respect for their beliefs.

But you are an adult now, on your own life path, and they need to understand and accept that too.

I would suggest you ask if you can have a chat with your mam and dad when you have a bit of time and the house is quiet

If you feel like you can’t go along with things anymore, I think you need to tell them the truth. Instead of announcing it one Sunday morning as they are running out the door to mass, however, I would suggest you ask if you can have a chat with your mam and dad when you have a bit of time and the house is quiet. You could start by saying that you know – and respect – how important their faith is to them and that it was an important part of your life too for quite some time. But in recent years, you have come to feel differently and you think it would be hypocritical to continue to go to mass or to lie to them about your beliefs.

Acknowledge that you know that this might come as a shock to them and that you have agonised over whether or not to tell them. But at the end of the day, you need to be honest with them.

They might well be very surprised or taken aback or upset or even angry, as this will be all news to them, while you have been mulling it over for a number of years. They might have a lot of questions, or may try to challenge your new beliefs. I think the important thing is to try to remain calm and not to be drawn in to an argument.

In that case, it’s worth having the support of somebody close to you who you can talk to, such as a sibling or a good friend

Remind them that you are not questioning their belief system and that your values are still very similar, even if yours are not church-based. But also accept that they might need some time and space to come around to this news and it might take some time for things to settle.

In that case, it’s worth having the support of somebody close to you who you can talk to, such as a sibling or a good friend.

I hope that this is of some use. At the end of the day, I’m sure your parents love and care for you very much and while this might be a shock initially, they will hopefully come to accept it. I wish you the best of luck.

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