Dear Miriam,

I know that a lot of people who write to you have more pressing problems than this one, but I would appreciate your opinion all the same if you get a chance to respond.

A good friend recently got engaged and has announced plans to get married in Spain next summer, with the save the date already gone out in the post with the Christmas cards! However, in addition to all the information about the flights, accommodation etc, there was also a note that it was to be an adult-only wedding, ie that children were not going to be invited.

My husband and I have two small children and I don’t feel it would be fair to jet off to Spain and leave them at home, especially as both of our sets of parents are getting on in years and would only really be up to managing them for a few hours, not a few days. Our siblings also have families of their own and I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking them to take responsibility for my children when they have enough to be doing.

To be honest, while this girl is a good friend, a part of me is also a bit peeved that she would make this no-children rule, especially as so many girls in our group are mothers now. It just seems to be a bit thoughtless on her part, or maybe it’s just that she is not a mother and does not understand the difficulties in getting away.

I will be seeing her over the Christmas and I’m sure she will be expecting an answer either way. Ideally, we would like to bring the children with us and make a family holiday by extending our stay afterwards but, again, there is not much point if our children really are not welcome at the wedding. What are your thoughts on this Miriam?

Lisa, Galway

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for your email. While I personally have no issue at all with children at weddings, I suppose the bride is entitled to have her day her way. But by the same token, that does not mean you should feel under pressure to attend if the arrangements really do not suit you or your family.

Of course, in the past, I have seen people work around these kind of situations, eg some couples have brought a parent or other family member or their regular babysitter along on the flight with them to stay with the children for the day of the wedding itself, but by the sounds of things, this might not be an option for you and would obviously mean extra expense.

Therefore, if realistically it looks like it won’t be possible for you to travel without the children, I would just tell your friend that it is looking like childcare is going to be a challenge and you don’t think you will be able to make it. You don’t have to get into the nitty gritty about the “ban” seeming thoughtless or selfish on her part, or apologise profusely for your decision. Just stick to the facts with a smile on your face.

You may find that once she realises the impact that the “child ban” could have on her guest list, she might reconsider her decision. But either way, I think it is important to wish her the very best with her plans and to avoid any fallout. It’s just one day after all and there will be plenty of other opportunities to celebrate closer to home if you both wish to do something together to mark the occasion. I hope this is helpful and wish you a happy Christmas. CL

In relation to last week’s letter, just to clarify that while the father died intestate, the children had agreed to pass the farm completely to their mother. This was stated in the original letter received and responded to, but may not have been clear in the published version, which had to be edited due to space constraints. For further information on inheritance, visit http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/death/the_deceaseds_estate/what_happens_the_deceaseds_estate.html

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