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For the first time since before I had my first baby, I’m back on anti-anxiety medication. It’s not what I wanted for myself, but it’s what’s best. Severe anxiety is treatable – both through medication and/or therapy, but there are also other ways to manage. Watching what you eat, keeping away from too much alcohol or caffeine and exercising regularly have always helped me stave off the worst of my anxiety, after receiving initial treatment and therapy.
And yet, sometimes anxiety comes back with a bang. Sometimes it rattles and shakes the foundation of who you are. It disrupts your life and makes coping torturous. It makes you want to stay in bed – all the time. Ultimately, it makes you lose sight of yourself and your goals. You’re snappier with your family, you start gaining or losing too much weight and you lose interest in the work you normally love.
That, my friends, is when it’s time to go back to the doctor and discuss what might be the problem – and what might be the solution. In my case, this time, short-term medication was the answer.
I have been suffering from anxiety all of my life. As a child, I was absolutely terrified, for no real reason, of sleeping alone – a fear that has stayed with me all of my life. When I was 14, I woke up in the middle of the night suffering from my first-ever panic attack. Crazy thoughts were racing around my head. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t calm down. I couldn’t cope. This went on for months and I was just barely able to keep my head above water.
Asking for help
My parents are religious and, at the time, didn’t believe in psychology, so I suffered. At the age of 21, I finally broke down to a college counsellor who, in turn, sent me to a doctor. She told me to tell the doctor absolutely everything. I was scared but confiding my mental health issues to that doctor was the best thing I could have done. After nearly 10 years, I realised I wasn’t crazy – I had OCD.
After a few rounds of cognitive behavioural therapy and some anti-anxiety medication, I learned how to self-talk my way through my symptoms. I learned to exercise and eat right, and I learned that it’s OK to reach out for help when you can’t help yourself.
I have managed fairly well over the years. I am really proud of my progress and how I have taken on what I learned in therapy. But I am also aware that, if it hadn’t been for anti-anxiety medication, the constant feelings of panic and doom would never have allowed me to understand the therapy. The medication dulled the panic just enough for me to be able to listen – to take the first steps to recovery.
Anxiety strikes
Five years ago, after my first child was born, I had a bad anxiety attack that lasted several months and included crippling physical symptoms like numbness, tingling, heart palpitations, blurred vision and poor coordination. I was sure I was developing multiple sclerosis, as I have several family members with the disease.
Needless to say, the doctor didn’t think I had MS. What she saw when I walked into the clinic was a stressed and lonely new mother who spent most of her day housebound with an infant. She did every test, just to be sure, but on paper I was perfectly healthy.
Although there are plenty of treatment options for pregnant or breastfeeding mothers, including low-dose medication, at that time I chose to get into yoga and made some new friends. After a few months, I started to feel better.
Then, several weeks ago, having spent a lot of time in front of my laptop, my vision started to blur. I started to worry. The blurred vision turned into headaches. Then my whole left side went numb. I was fumbling around with everyday jobs like folding laundry. The panic returned. This time, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was my anxiety causing my physical symptoms, or the physical symptoms causing my anxiety.
After several days seeing “Doctor Google”, I went to my real doctor. He told me I was OK. He did the tests. He told me it didn’t matter if the physical symptoms came first or the panic – stress has a way of building up in our bodies, even when we think we’re handling everything well. One day it just explodes into the long drawn-out anxiety attacks I tend to suffer from.
He was right. This time, it happened after a very busy and stressful time in my life. My youngest child was becoming a bit more independent, my work deadlines were all met, my other jobs were slowing down for the summer – I started to relax, to which my body said: “Not so fast!”
A break from my brain
So I’m taking a summer holiday from my brain. It’s nice, for now. I know I’ll be ready to go off the medication in another month or so, but with every anxiety attack I’m put through, I also get a bit wiser and better at managing. Going for a long run with my dog, listening to my favourite music, sipping herbal tea outside on a sunny evening, cuddling with my kids – those are all great medicines.
But sometimes I need a bit more help – sometimes we all do. There’s no shame in that. The important thing is finding other ways to keep the joy in your everyday life, so you have a plan in place when you’re ready to go it alone again.
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