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Dear Miriam,
I have a situation very close to my heart which I want to share with you. A family friend’s brother met a woman a couple of years ago. This woman moved into the house with the victim in less than a month.
This woman wanted to be a “kept lady”. She wanted no work and when she got a job, she was no length in it and she was gone. She wanted to spend all her time with the victim, even going with him to work. It caused great conflict in his workplace as she interfered with his job. She wanted to be engaged within a short period of time, even though she had no ring. This woman let it slip in conversation that she “had no say in the place”, it being the victim’s family home.
A member of the family came to me very upset and told me the male victim came to her one day very distressed and told her how he had been domestically abused by this woman. He went on to describe the physical and mental abuse inflicted on him. She told me the victim said he was pinched, bitten and kicked. The family were very upset to hear this news.
This family friend told me how the family went on to support him and he decided to part ways with her and had her removed from his home. The victim was slowly but surely getting on with his life when he was talked in to giving this woman a second chance. He foolishly took back the abuser into his home.
This woman has gone on to isolate the victim from his family, even changing phone numbers and not allowing him to see or speak to his family and friends. She has abused him again and she went so far as to say that he had abused her too. He told his family he never hurt her and they believe him. The gardai can’t intervene unless he chooses to report her himself. She has managed to brainwash him.
His family have been left distraught, suffering ill health and very upset for their brother. It is tearing them apart. What can be done?
Worried Friend
Dear Worried Friend,
Due to the nature of your letter, I have been in touch with AMEN, the dedicated support service for male victims of domestic abuse in Ireland providing crisis intervention, a helpline and counselling support for victims.
They observe that many of the things you mention in your letter are so prevalent in situations of domestic abuse, in particular the victim’s isolation from family and friends. Of course, it is very difficult for a family member to see somebody that they love suffer, and they will desperately want to intervene, but at the end of the day the gardaí and courts etc will only take action if the victim makes a complaint, (unless perhaps there is a very real fear his life is in danger). Moreover, if the abuser sees family and friends trying to intervene, they might take their anger out on the victim. So it is a terribly difficult situation – but not without hope.
If he was willing to leave the relationship or even consider his options, an organisation like AMEN could support him by talking through with him directly the various steps available to help ensure his safety. The family can also contact Amen for information and support around their concerns. They can also look to have their concerns logged with the gardaí, even if they can’t take action without the victim’s say.
The most important thing, however, is to try to keep the lines of communication open so that the victim knows he has the love and support of his family, no matter what his decision.
It might also be a good idea for the family to seek counselling support to help process their pain around this issue and figure out how to protect their own mental and physical health while supporting their brother.
It the family wishes to get further support, they can call the confidential AMEN helpline on 046-902-3718 or visit www.amen.ie for further information.
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