Dear Miriam,

I am writing to you for advice on my daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend that she has had for the last three years. I think he is mean. Any time they are out together, it’s 50:50. They go halves with everything. Surely this is not right? She is so used to it that she accepts it. He spares nothing on himself, the best of clothes, shoes etc and he has a good job.

He has a house – unfurnished – and wants her to move in with him and go half and half with buying the TV etc. She would also have to pay rent as he says it’s his parents’ house, which I don’t believe. They are not engaged. Any advice from your readers or yourself?

Anxious Mother

PS We have all spoken to her and told her what we think, but she’s not listening to us.

Dear Anxious Mother,

Thank you for getting in touch. I can understand that you just want the best for your daughter and want her to be treated with respect and love in any relationship.

However, with regards going 50:50 when it comes to nights out etc, I have to say that I don’t have a problem with this in general, as I don’t believe that men should automatically always pay for dinner, drinks etc in this day and age just because of their sex. If both people are earning, I do believe it is fair to share those types of costs, or to take turns to treat the other etc.

Where I would raise an eyebrow, however, is where every single cost is calculated and split to the last cent, or where the other person would never treat the other on a special occasion, like their birthday. Basically, behavior that seems to indicate an unhealthy pre-occupation with spending and sharing or control, that could cause problems down the line when there are larger issues at stake ie home and family.

I suspect this is your concern now that your daughter is planning to move in with her boyfriend. Again, I don’t see a huge issue in sharing rent costs (though I know you have doubts that there is a rent to be paid in this situation) or expenses like a TV, furniture etc if both people are in a committed, equal relationship, have discussed their future together and are both on the same page with what they want.

The problem with me giving any advice is that I simply don’t know enough to say what the situation is here: is the 50:50 split a sign of a healthy relationship between both parties or is it a signal of something else that is less than satisfactory? But I guess this is also the central issue. It is your daughter’s relationship: not mine, not your’s, not her father’s. While you have made your feelings clear to her on the matter, she is a grown woman who seems OK with the current set-up. And I suspect that any further objections will continue to fall on deaf ears right now, so perhaps a fresh approach is called for?

Could you talk to your daughter and say that while you have had your differences on her relationship in the past, you understand that she is an adult and that she is entitled to make her own decisions about what is best for her. However, you could add that for any relationship, moving in together is a big step and that you would just encourage her to be sure that she is completely happy with the arrangements and that she and her partner are on the same page when it comes to the commitment with investing in assets etc because you love her and you want her to be happy. And that no matter what, if she ever wants to talk, you will always be there for her. It’s always better to keep the door open with communication than to risk having it slammed shut with arguments.

Other readers might have more advice to share from similar situations, but I feel this is the best approach right now. I hope that everything works out for the best. CL

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