Dear Miriam,

I was reading in your letters a few weeks back about a mother upset her new grandchild was not going to be baptised.

I always went to mass. We got married in the church. All very happy. We had our first baby recently, a great little baby. All was going well until I said we need to get the child baptised and asked some friends and family. Well, my wife went mad. “No way,” she said. “That’s so old-fashioned. All my friends will be laughing at us. Nobody does it nowadays.”

My family and friends are not happy with this situation. My heart is broken. Her parents are not happy with it either. Somebody told me to just go and get the baby christened myself. What do you think?

New Dad

Dear New Dad,

First of all, congratulations on the arrival of your new baby and I am delighted to hear that they are healthy and happy, which is the most important thing.

In relation to the letter a few weeks ago, in that case, both parents did not want to have their baby baptised and so it was a much more straightforward situation. It’s obviously a bit more complicated in this case as both you and your wife have different views.

Apart from the expectations of friends and family, can you explain to your wife why your faith is important to you and why you would like to see the baby baptised?

How to reconcile these two points of difference? Not by having a secret christening anyway, that would be my first piece of advice. I can’t solve this problem for you as really, it’s down to you and your wife, but what I would say is to leave the opinions of family and friends aside – those that believe in baptism and those that consider it out-dated – and focus on what you and your wife actually want away from all the “noise” and pressure.

Apart from the expectations of friends and family, can you explain to your wife why your faith is important to you and why you would like to see the baby baptised? And similarly, are you prepared to listen to why she does not want to take that step (aside from what other people think)? What I mean is can you both communicate with each other honestly and openly and at least reach a place where you both respect the other’s view, even if you can’t find a middle ground just yet.

I’d imagine that when the child gets older, and if they wanted to get baptised in order to receive the other sacraments, it could also be revisited then?

I’m not an expert on doctrine by any means, but I wonder if there is something that you could do that might satisfy you both eg to have the baby blessed rather than baptised? But I suppose you would really have to talk to your local priest about whether that is a possibility or not. Or perhaps it is something that you could review down the line once things settle down?

I’d imagine that when the child gets older, and if they wanted to get baptised in order to receive the other sacraments, it could also be revisited then? Just because it does not happen in the next month or two does not mean that the door will be closed in the future.

And if it does not happen for whatever reason, there are many other ways to impart the values and morals that you both hold dear.

Ultimately, this is a decision for you and your wife – nobody else, including me – so I would just encourage you to take a breath, remember how lucky you are with your beautiful baby and just try to reach a place of mutual respect and understanding for now.

A reader writes: I would want a soft-hearted influencer in my child’s life

Dear Miriam,

In relation to a recent letter (“My sister-in-law has snubbed me for the role of godmother”) I wouldn’t want someone who uses such strong vocabulary as snub (meaning insulting, disdain), bossy, “her way or no way “, raging, confront, “grit my teeth “, as a godmother to my child . There are no rules regarding who should be godmother. This lady is being very petty-minded. I would want a soft-hearted influencer in my child’s life. She really has no idea of the challenge of a real problem. If she had, she would not be making a new life about herself and her expectations. Better to be pleasantly surprised than have expectations and causing trouble.

Eileen, Munster

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Readers write: to baptise or not to baptise?

My sister-in-law has snubbed me for the role of godmother