For many, being in your 30s means marriage and babies – or so society would have you believe. But it doesn’t work out that way for everyone, and this is one of the reasons why when it comes to love, those in their 30s are the most hard-pressed demographic of them all.

Tony Moore, psychotherapist and counsellor with Relationships Ireland, says the vast majority of his clients are in this age bracket.

“This age group is under a huge amount of pressure. Whether they’re from rural or urban Ireland, they are under massive pressure with work, money and career.”

ADVERTISEMENT

For many people, the busiest part of their economic and social life is bound up in a 15-year period from their mid-20s to the age of 40.

“People who have a job are trying to get to the top of the greasy pole. They may also want to get married and have two, three kids in a short amount of time. Women have the biological clock so that’s an added pressure. Parents of people in this age bracket are getting on a bit as well. All these competing things are happening at the same time – it’s a lot condensed into a short space of time.

“There are tremendous psychological, physiological and financial pressures, as well as sociological pressures, to conform with societal norms going on and it’s wearing people down. A lot of people succumb to the pressure of all this happening at once. People’s brothers and sisters are going through the same thing – our immediate family can only give us so much time.”

And that’s why so many of these people land on Tony Moore’s doorstep.

But before getting there, people try to sort things out themselves. In doing so, one major mistake they make, and which, according to Tony, is “a big psychological no-no” and one that is having a major impact on mental health, “is comparing ourselves to other people”.

“We must stop ourselves from doing that. We often compare ourselves unfavourably to people, we think they have better partners, they have better sex, they have more money, the have a better job, etc. This is all not true.”

Tony says people often have an idea in their head about what they’ll have achieved by the age of 30. They think they’ll be married to a great man/woman, have two kids, have a yacht and a Ferrari in the garage. Then when they don’t achieve all this they see themselves as a failure.

“It’s immensely damaging to us,” says Tony.

Tony says people are expecting too much of themselves and loading too much onto themselves.

“It’s amazing how much pressure we put on ourselves.”

Troubles for those in the Terrible 30s

Another issue faced by those in this demographic is how to meet people. Not everyone in this age category is as comfortable with internet dating as their counterparts in their 20s.

Tony’s advice for these people is (and let’s face it, it’s the old homage) to join specialist interest groups. For example, painting or horticulture groups.

“There are specialist courses or societies you can join. In Dublin this is not difficult, but if you’re in the countryside get on the internet and search them out. There are lots of groups and societies. Those initial two, three steps are the hardest, but once you start it’s amazing who you can meet. You meet really interesting people.”

Time-wasting is not for those in their 30s, particularly for women. But how does someone have a serious conversation with a new love interest about the future without scaring them off?

Tony Moore sees this dilemma a lot. “It isn’t easy,” he admits.

When he’s speaking to people who are aged 35 upwards, he says: “Listen to me carefully. Everyone you meet has a history and people may have a particular view because of their history. The older we get, the more history we have. Treat them delicately and with respect. Just because they want commitment doesn’t mean they’re crazy or a control freak.

On a final note, Tony says that those in their 30s who come out of a relationship with the person they thought was the one, often find it hard to accept that person isn’t in fact the one and they have to begin the search again.

“They’re sabotaging themselves before they’ve even begun. They’re starting off in a hugely negative frame of mind.

“They’re comparing the new person with somebody else. Sometimes we try and meet almost a carbon copy of the other person to make things right.

“It’s a very complicated area. There are terrible emotional let-downs and a few emotional highs. It impacts how we feel about ourselves and that leaks into our world.”