Dear Miriam,

Our daughter is sitting her Leaving Cert this June and will also turn 18 in September. She is hoping to get the points for primary teaching and, in fairness, she has worked hard all year, so fingers crossed.

When her two older brothers did their Leaving Cert, we marked the occasion by helping to fund a summer holiday away with their pals. We were quite happy to do the same for our daughter – though when I did my Leaving Cert you were lucky to get the money for a night out with your friends! How times have changed.

However, instead of going away with her school friends, she wants to use the money to go on holidays with her boyfriend. Maybe you will think that I am awfully old-fashioned Miriam but, to be honest, I’m not at all comfortable with the thought of funding this “romantic” break for two.

Don’t get me wrong, he seems to be a nice young fella and myself and my husband have always done our best to make him feel welcome to the house when he calls. However, I do think that they are a bit young to be going off on a holiday together, especially as they are only going out for a few months.

The first time I went abroad with my husband was on our honeymoon! My own mother would have had a heart attack if I had even suggested going away before I was married. I know times have changed since then but, at the same time, it still seems a bit soon to me.

Of course, when I said as much to my daughter, she got very angry and said that I was a hypocrite as I had no problem giving her brothers money for their holiday and God knows what they got up to with a group of lads! When I said that I’d have no problem giving the money to go away with her female friends, she said that would probably end up being a big “party” holiday as well, and would I not be happier if she was away with just her boyfriend, having a quiet break after the exams?

As a result, there is a bit of a stand-off in the house, which is the last thing we probably need in the last few weeks before the exams. Should I just give in and say we will give her the money for the holiday with her boyfriend for peace’s sake or should I stick with my gut feeling?

Your advice would be appreciated Miriam.

Confused Mother

Dear Confused Mother,

Thank you for your letter. To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of the post-Leaving Cert holiday full stop as I think that 17 is still a bit young to be let loose abroad when you have little experience of fending for yourself!

In situations like this previously, I have usually suggested a compromise, eg to start with a night away somewhere in Ireland after the exams, and then maybe something like a weekend city break abroad around Christmas once your child has lived away from home for a while and knows how to handle themselves in a new environment. Maybe some people will find my view old-fashioned too!

I do think your daughter makes a valid point about what happens on lads/girls’ holidays and that her trip with her boyfriend will probably be a lot more reserved. But she is still just 17 and, at the end of the day, it is your money so I think that she needs to meet you half way too.

Why not suggest a compromise of splitting the gift in two, starting with the night away in Ireland and then another break in a few months time? She still has the other option to go with her friends if she really wants to go to the sun or – shock, horror – she and her boyfriend could also fund their own trip if they really want it!

Be firm but fair and remind her that you want to support her as best you can in the run-up to the Leaving Cert but that this stand-off will not get either of you anywhere. Hopefully she will realise that her exams are the priority now and once she passes, she has the rest of her life to be planning holidays on her own terms.

Wishing you both the best over the coming weeks. CL